A Christmas Gift to Remember

I had something amazing happen to me tonight.  I have heard stories like this, and now I have one of my own. 

You see, we are certainly not destitute right now, but money is tight.  And we are working very hard to keep our feet under us.  I would describe our world as a stressful and delicate dance.  I am seeking for the balance of work and family and faith and money.  There is a bitter-sweetness to our situation.  We are working so very hard and that means less time at home.  But the joy felt when we are home, ah, that is a beautiful thing to share.  And we can truly cherish it because it is such a contrast to our time away. 

There are a few things I really wish for at this time.  Like a good haircut and some professional family pictures.  They are not quite in the need category, and yet they are a bit more important than the want category.  I have put them off since money is tight.  To increase that stress a bit, Avind got sick on Wednesday morning and I got to stay home with the boys.  It was heavenly to be with them, but as I have mentioned before, as a long-term sub I do not get sick days or personal leave, which means I don't get paid but I still have to pay for daycare.  Additionally, Blake is in St. George this weekend for Amber and Cord's Temple Sealing; that is absolutely wonderful, but adds a measure of business for myself.  To increase the challenge, the kids really had a difficult time going back to school after two days at home and clung to me.

After a long day we headed to the church for our church's Christmas party this evening. I came in, toting my clingy and very hungry little ones, looking very busy I am sure.  An older man in our ward, who I met last Sunday, began a conversation with us about how we came about moving to Bozeman and our current adventures.  He has lived here for 50 years or so and told us a bit about understanding about starting out in a new place.  He asked if I was stressed and I laughed and said, "Yeah, we are stressed.  But we will make it through." As I crouched down to clean up the smashed candy cane Avind was scattering all over the floor, this man took my hand and stuffed a $100 bill into it and said, "Here, take this." I couldn't believe it.  I stared at the numbers on that bill as it registered what he had just done. With tears running down my cheeks I tried to thank him. He told me, "I know where you are.  We have been there before.  I appreciated your testimony last Sunday and the efforts you are making. You are going to make it." And he patted my hand, smiling, and walked away. 

My heart is so full.  I am grateful for the good people here in Montana that have blessed us in so many ways.  And I am grateful for the very personal tender mercies the my Heavenly Father has given me lately as a reminder that he is ever aware of my needs and desires.  This is a Christmas gift I will always remember. 

Heaven on Earth- Dec 5

Did you know there will be football in Heaven?  :)  There just has to be.  Last night was definitely a treasure moment.  It had been a long work day and we were all hungry.  We picked up a pizza from Papa Murphy's (our standard in a family sized 1/2 pepperoni and 1/2 chicken garlic) and some cookie dough ice cream from Smith's.  Once home we ate our pizza for dinner with football drink (aka soda of any kind) and turned on the Oregon-Arizona football game.  Everyone was happy and cozy.  After dinner was ice cream and then cuddling on the couch under the big mink blanket.  The boys were so perfect.  They were playing and laughing and we all were happy as could be.  What a perfect Friday night. 

We got our Christmas tree up and decorated last week.  Collin was so excited he could not wait another moment.  The boys did a great job helping.  I was able to get most things up last weekend and wrapped it up today.  I think it looks good!  And cozy.  I am glad it is all done.  Now we can enjoy it.


I love being with my family.

Thankful

I spent a good amount of time this year considering what it is that I am most grateful for this Thanksgiving.  There is much and I will not list it all, but there are a few things that have really stood out. 

The first thing is my little family.  There are many who are not blessed with a family.  Or they have a family but it is not currently a source of happiness.  But my little pod, I love them and they are the source of my happiness.  I love that our little boys are at the age when they just want to be with us.  There is no competition with peers or outside activities.  When we pick them up, all they want is to be with Mom and Dad.  I treasure that.  And I am so very grateful.  I know the time will come when the pull of other things will compete for our celebrity status.  But for now, they are ours.   Safe together in our little cozy home.  And I love being needed and wanted by them.  The best word I can think of to describe the feeling when I pick up the boys and get home and then Daddy gets home is sacred. 

I take more time with them at bedtime.  I lay with Collin for a bit and feel his little chest move up and down.  I let Avi pull my hand down to rub his belly as he fades off to sleep.  I relish in their need for me instead of so desperately needing to be alone with time to myself.  That change has been the best thing about working full-time.  I cherish my time with my boys.  It is difficult to miss out on so much of the day with them, but what I am missing in quantity I am doing my best to make up in quality.  So, tonight I a grateful for my Collin and Avind.

The second thing is my Blake.  We have faced many challenges together already in our marriage and one thing that does is minimize the small disagreements and annoyances.  We still have little things pop up, but we tend to get over them fairly quickly.  That skill has developed through the harder things and the bigger things.  I am very grateful for that.  Two nights ago we laid in bed together holding one another; we talked and laughed and teased and I realized how much I love to be with this man.  I don't just love him, I love to be with him.  He truly is my best friend. 

And lastly I am grateful for our modern conveniences.  We have a warm home even in -15 degrees.  We have light in the long dark winter months.  We have antibiotics to take care of Avind's ear infection.  We have indoor plumbing that takes our waste away and brings clean water.  We have warm showers and insulated walls; cars to get around and ovens and stoves and microwaves to cook in and on.  Things are clean and bright and smell good and feel good.  I am so grateful for these things we take for granted. 

I am rich! Oh, so very rich.

Primary Program

I learned a really valuable lesson this weekend about Collin.  Today was the primary program at our church and they had a practice yesterday during the morning.  I got the boys ready and we rushed out the door to make it.  I had practiced Collin's speaking part with him several times, although he did tell me he didn't want to get up to say anything.

When we got the the church and were just about to walk into the chapel where the practice was held, Collin put the breaks on.  He was NOT going in there and he was not going to practice.  I was quite frustrated at first since this practice was taking our precious saturday time already.  But I simply told him that Avind and I were going in and he was free to join us or not.  Avind and I parked on a bench in the back and it took about three minutes but Collin eventually joined us.  But he didn't want to go up.  And I decided that was okay.  We watched the practice and helped get a room set up for the pizza party that was to follow.  That was one thing Collin was excited about: Pizza.  We stuck around for the after-practice celebration and Collin got to spend some time with his buddy Hank and talk with his Sunbeam teachers who were great about encouraging him but not pushy.

At home I brought up the program a few times and talked about how fun it would be to see him up on the stand.  We practiced his line a few more times, and during family prayer I prayed for him to feel comfortable enough to perform in the program.

And what do you know!  This morning when he bounded into our room I asked him if he wanted to be in the program and he said yes.  I was actually quite surprised.  He was insistent on wearing his suit coat so he could look his best.  And he went up without a battle.  He looked perfect.  Adorable. Sweet. Smart.  Every good word I can think of.  And I was a proud Momma.  Anytime he caught my gaze he enthusiastically waved to me and I waved back.  It was a heart-warming experience.  Avind was excited to see his brother, too, and did lots of waving. He was unhappy with us for not letting him go up on stage to join his brother.  And when it was Collin's turn to give his line, he froze and covered his mouth.  And he said nothing.  But I was so proud of him for trying.  After the program he ran to me and I gave him a big hug.  He was happy and we were happy with each other.

I am so glad I was inspired not to force him to go up yesterday.  I just let him be for awhile and allowed him to get used to the idea.  And you know if he had decided not to go up, that would have been okay, too. 

Well, another week begins!

Sick Saturday

We managed to catch another bug at our home again this weekend.  Poor Collin bore the brunt of it.  He has certainly had his fair share of stomach bugs this year. And this on top of me getting over a nasty cold from this week.

The weekend started off well.  The kids and I had a wonderful Friday evening and then our friends the White's came over to babysit so Blake and I had a date night.  We ate downtown at Sweet Chili and had a lovely time afterwards shopping at Target with no kids.  :)  It was a much needed evening together and I loved it. We each picked out a new winter hat.

Saturday started out well.  Blake was not feeling well so I got up with the kiddos.  No big deal, when he is really worn out he usually doesn't feel great when waking up.  I made waffles with the kids.  Avind is super cute when he says, "waffle" btw.  Our happiness was slightly hampered by a few thumps from our downstairs neighbor.  I kind of lost it and decided we needed to have a little chat.  I am grateful that I was calm by the time I made it down stairs and knocked on her door.  I told her how sorry I was for the noise and that I understood it was difficult to have the kids running around upstairs, but I also told her that I only get Saturdays and Sundays with my kids and they only get the weekend to play with one another.  I told her that I did not want to spend those precious moments getting after them over and over again not to play and not to jump and not to have fun.  I told her I have tried to calm them down, but that is so hard to help the little ones understand.  I told her Blake was unwell upstairs so we couldn't go there, and it was freezing outside so we couldn't go there.  I asked her to forgive us, but to understand that the kids need to be able to be kids.  She was pretty receptive and apologized but also told me she didn't know what to do because it was driving her crazy.  So, I gave her my number and told her when she hits a breaking point to send me a text and I would really try to take the kids out or upstairs and give her a little break.  I was quite proud of myself for being calm because this has been an additional cause of stress, and I already have plenty of that.  She did come over later in the afternoon to apologize and brought the kids some coloring pages and crayons.  I hope we can continue to make amends.

So, anyway, when Blake got up it was apparent that it wasn't just a I'm-tired not feeling well.  He was on the verge of throwing up.  Collin was dissapointed that his Daddy-Collin date looked to be canceled and during his quiet-time he started saying he wasn't feeling well either.  I thought he was just trying to be like Daddy.  Up until I heard the signature, "I am going to throw up!!!" scream from him.  I raced upstairs and got him to the toilet.  We sat there long enough that he started to fall asleep with his head resting on the toilet.  I laid him down on the floor for him to sleep, but it wasn't long until my poor boy was throwing up.  A slightly comical moment was when I started gagging, and then Blake finally lost his cookies.  The 3 of us in the bathroom were quite a trio.

Collin was sick all day.  He threw up 5 or 6 times.  By the end there was nothing left but his little body would heave and he would choke and cry out, "Help me!"  :( I was so sad.  I wish I could have done more, but all I could do was hold him.

I slept in his room last night on the floor just in case he needed me.  We all stayed home from church, again.  They are going to think we are inactive.  Oh, well.  We all seemed to do a little better this morning, and were better by evening.

An update on the boys:

Collin is starting to read!  We have a white board in the kitchen and sometimes we write words up there and sound them out with Collin.  He loves our little game and today he could sound them out and read them!  On his own!  It was so fun to see it click.  He and I are getting along quite well.  One good thing about working- Collin misses me and I miss him so our time together is very tender. I hold him more and am slower to anger.  And we laugh together.

Avind has his favorite words: "mine" and "no" followed by, "too-too" (train) and "tika" (peak a boo) and he loves to dance.  To dance sometimes he just swings his elbow back and forth.  And he loves to sit on your lap to eat.  He loves apples more than ever and is always holding one or two, or walking with a bowl of 3.  He will take your finger and lead you to the fridge and say, "Apum" :)  When I come to the daycare to see him at lunch or pick him up, it is the best.  He yells out, "Mom!" and runs to me as fast as he can.  At home it is all Daddy though.  He likes to be able to see me, but he wants his dad to hold him.

Another week ahead.  I wish I could stay home this week.  We have a winter storm tonight and tomorrow.  Cold here we come!

Happy Home

I love our weekends!  To be home all together is such a special treat!  Sunday nights are always a bit difficult because I know it will be Monday soon and I will have to leave my kiddos and hubby for a busy week. 

Yesterday I had a very busy day.  Our home had hit an all-time low point and it was time to clean up.  From the moment I got up until midnight I cleaned and organized and scrubbed.  I feel much better.  But I also feel tired. 

We finally found a table!  I have been searching craigslist persistently and finally found the right one.  And it was still available! And wouldn't you know that the Lord would have another tender mercy for us.  The table listed for $100 sold to us for $60.  And it is just what we need.  Yay!  We can sit around the table together!  Now we just need someone to cook the food.  :) This little home of ours is coming together.  I also got the boys' room put together and we cleaned the loft.  Oh, you should have seen the little walking trail we had created through the piles of toys and blocks and legos to our room. It was particularly difficult to navigate at night.  And I also organized the garage to make space for our trash and recycling bins.  I set up the slide outside for the boys to play on while I cleaned.  They loved it!  And Blake came home and played some street soccer with Collin for a bit.  Right as I finished up it began to rain.  Another blessing.  :)

We had a fabulous Halloween.  The weather was unseasonably warm and I thought quite perfect.  This Halloween Collin decided he was going to be Jack Sparrow.  And would you believe we found a Jack Sparrow Costume and hat at the consignment store about 6 weeks ago?  I found a discount Pirate dress at Walmart to accompany his as Elizabeth Swan.  Our efforts to find Blake an affordable pirate costume (Will Turner) and Avind a monkey costume (the Undead Monkey) were futile so we ended up recycling the Zebra costume for Avi and buying a $4 safari hat so Blake could be his zoo keeper.  I thought we were all pretty cute.  For work I dressed as the crazy scientist complete with lab coat, goggles, and smudges on my face.  And, for the fun part, I sewed a toy frog on the back to make it look liked it had escaped and was hiding from me.  My students liked it quite a bit.  We took the kids Downtown to trick or treat and there was an incredible crowd there!  The whole town of people with children must have been there.  It was amazing.  But I enjoyed afterwards even better when we walked up and down Wilson and Grant streets.  It was like out of a movie.  Perfection.

Last week we had a wonderful chance to go to the temple and kid swap with the Stewarts.  We did a session first.  It felt nice to be in the temple again.  When we got out, we took our turn with the kids.  We were quite happy to accidentally find a Cafe Rio when on the way to Arby's for lunch.  Mmmmmmmmmm.  Happiness! It was a lovely day as well so we took the kids to a park to run around for a bit.  Before leaving for home we perused a few stores and finally found some boots for me that I am happy about.  I have been boot hunting for 3 years now.  And we got a good price on them.

It is amazing how going to the temple made me week so much more doable.  Two weeks ago, I was a total wreak.  I felt underwater in every way.  This week, I have had such an incredible feeling of peace and balance.  I have wondered a bit in the last month about my testimony of Jesus Christ and our church. There are some things that are very difficult to understand.  And it has caused me to reflect on whether I go to church and say I have a testimony because I really do, or because that is just what I am used to saying. Well, you can bet I have prayed a great deal about that over the last week.  And today, I had a very special experience.  It may sound trite to those who have not experienced this kind of a feeling, but I was in Relief Society and I felt sure.  Sure that there is a God, and that He knew me.  He knew me right there.  And I felt certain that we are where we need to be.  And that even though I don't understand all the doctrines, I am in the right place.  And I am a better person because of it. What a calming moment and an answer to my pleas to know that this is right.

So, let's talk about our cute boys:

Blake is getting serious about trying to write.  He has dozens of book ideas and can you believe he has begun to wake up at 5am each morning to work on writing?  That shows how serious he really is.  I have never seen Blake voluntarily wake up that early for much of anything.  :)

Collin has been on a Mommy kick and I love it. He and I are getting along really well.  His experiences at Preschool and improved and he has a new friend Sam that he really gets along well with.  He still amazed me with his kindness and intelligence.  We bought his some used xcountry skis last week and he is beyond excited! He practices in the hallway and holds them on the couch when we watches a show.  He even wanted to sleep in his ski boots.  He cannot wait for it to snow.  We skyped with Omi so he could show her his skis.

Collin  hates to be alone and often calls for Avi to join him in the bathroom.  :) We let him stay up to watch Once Upon A Time with us on Sundays and he loves feeling special and watching with us.

The other night Avi woke up crying after they had already been put to bed.  Before Blake got in to get Avind, he heard Collin talking to Avind and start to sing to him.  He made up words for Avi and soon Avi calmed down and went right to sleep.  He really is a good brother and the two actually play quite well together.

Avind is definitely on a Daddy kick.  He loves his Daddy.  He grabs Blakes finger and takes him wherever he wants to go.  He is saying more and more words.  Too-too! (Choo choo train) and geen (green)and done! even octopus (well, kind of  :)) He knows when the clock turns green that he can get up and we today he recognized that his puff balls are green.  It was the first time he recognized a specific color.

Avind loves to dance!  Any time Blake turns on music or sings to him, he starts to dance.  And he makes Blake dance with him.  Any music at all and his arms start to swing. 

He heard Collin say he was thirsty last night and he ran into the hallway.  When I asked him where he was going, he did the sign for water and kept on going.  He returned with Collin's water cup for Collin and handed it to him.  He is a good helper and helped Blake do all kinds of chores.  He had lose diapers and had to be home so Blake was home with him and he loved it. 

He likes to ride on the tricycle and go down the slide.  He loves Thomas the train and has been really into playing with the trains we have.  He loved the fake frog I had for my costume and desperately wanted to play with it.  It is his now, of course. When we got our new table set up yesterday, he got his chair from the breakfast nook and pushed it over to the new table.  He loves to yell, Done! and he has even said the prayer for us a few times. He will sing with me sometimes at night when I am putting him to bed.  And when he says bye or thank you he grabs your face and puts it right in front of his, cocks his head to the side and says, "tain too!" He is really into throwing things as well and has knocked Collin in the face with a train a few times. And he is adorable when he puts himself in time out...for all of 5 seconds.  :)

Oh these boys.  I love them so.  They make my heart sing!

Mommy Collin Date- Oct 8th

I will forever hold in my mind the image of Collin, dressed in a collared shirt and suit coat, with his hair done, sitting across from me in The Chocolate Moose eating his ice cream cone.  He was so perfect and the moment was so perfect.

Collin is having a bit of a difficult time at school (the preschool at the daycare). So, last week I took him on a special Mommy-Collin date. It. Was. Perfect. After family dinner, I got dressed up in a dress and even put lipstick on. Collin went ahead and dressed up, too. He picked out some nice pants and a shirt and topped it off with his suit coat.  He wouldn't let me see him until he was all ready.  He called for Blake to help him out a few times.  And since I told him I was going to wear lip stick, he was willing to do his hair. We took a few pictures and headed to Downtown.  I loved walking down by all the shops, holding Collin's hand, and talking about his day.  He was delighted when we arrived at our destination and he realized it was a candy store.  We ordered our ice cream and sat at a table for two.  What a wonderful moment to have with one another.  We talked and laughed.  He swung his legs back and forth and looked all around the room to identify all the candy he had tried before and those he hadn't.  We picked up a few sour gummy worms on our way out. 

Every person we passed smiled at us knowingly.  Like they were remembering a special moment of their own either as a parent or a the child.  We then made our way to Walmart to buy some hotwheels and caps for his cap gun with the money he earned helping us unload our moving truck. He was so happy.  I felt full at his happiness.  We got home late and I tucked him in bed, complete with his package of hotwheels.  That was indeed a very special night.  One I will always treasure. 

Working Mom Cons

I have learned a lot in the last few months.  It is almost bizarre to compare my life now to 5 months ago.  What a different world it was!  And I am grateful for the change.  It has been challenging and tiring with stresses and worries; but I have felt tremendous growth.  And it is satisfying to reflect on your life and realize that you are becoming a better person because of those challenges.

I thought I would compile a few of the lessons I have learned in the last few months to demonstrate my point.  Here is the first truth I have discovered:

Being a Full-time Working Mom is really hard.  And so is being a Stay-At-Home Mom.

It has been fascinating to be able to identify with both classes of moms now.  And I can honestly say they are both incredibly exhausting.

I will write a series of posts comparing the joys and challenges of each of these that I have considered lately:

Working Mom- The Hard Things:

• I am emotionally drained from working with teenagers all day and that makes it difficult to have any emotional energy to share with my own children.  I am concerned now not only for my two little ones, but for the 142 not-so-little ones I teach.  I want to make a difference in my students' lives and it is draining to feel like I am not reaching them.  It hurts my heart to see the ones I picked out and thought "I need to make a difference for that student" drop out and give up.  It feels like a personal failure. And then when I pick up my own kids and get a negative report about their day...ug!  Then it just feels like I am failing on all sides.  And I pray that my kids will feel positive about school and learning so they aren't the ones giving it up in 10 years.  

• I feel bad/sad/guilty that someone else is caring for my children.  They are witnessing the little adorable daily details that you miss when you only get 3 waking hours to spend with your sons.  Especially with Avind.  He is at the age that I love.  He is learning to talk and he can follow directions and instructions.  But I am missing it.  And by the time I get him to myself, he is hungry and tired and I am hungry and tired and it really isn't the fun part of the day. I haven't sat and played with him.  I don't get to dump oatmeal on the floor and play in it with him.  I haven't done puzzles and playdough and singing/dance parties.  I get food for him, bathe him, squeeze in a book or a short walk and nurse him.  And by then he is cranky because it is too late. And what is sad about missing my days with Collin is that next year he will be in school. This is my last year to have him.  And with the struggles at daycare I feel particularly bad.  He clings to me when I drop him off and that makes it hard. 
•  
• If making dinner was a challenge before working, it is nearly impossible now.  I now understand completely why I got hotdogs and tortilla with cheese when I wanted it at 4 years old. I don't have energy to make a good meal.  And if I did, I wouldn't want to spend my limited time with the kids fighting over dinner.  Also, most of the time I have very little to work with since I don't have time to grocery shop. And the pots and pans are still dirty from the last time I attempted dinner.  So, make some freezer meals you might say.  That is a good idea but when would I do that?  The weekends are cleaning the mess that has accumulated over the week and catching up on sleep and grading papers and getting out on family adventure times.  And unpacking boxes...have I mentioned we still have things to unpack? And having time with Blake and trying to peruse yard sales for winter coats and boots since none of us have them and winter will be here soon.  Yeah, dinner is usually one of 4 things: spaghetti in some shape or form, pizza something or other, taco soup, or mac and cheese.  Sometimes i make eggs or mashed potatoes...sounds gourmet right? We are usually hungry over here.  Hungry for some real food.  
•  
• Laundry.  I don't know where anyone's clothes are.  Particularly my own.  I am not good at keeping my clothes off the floor anyway, now I need to look presentable on a daily basis.  That is a rough change! It is important that when in front of teenagers I don't have any wardrobe failures.  I recall mocking teachers for armpit stains and the like...I don't want that to be my legacy.  And the kids should have clean, cool-weather appropriate clothes.  But it is really hard to find matching socks in the overflowing laundry baskets in the hallway.  Especially because Blake keeps putting non matching socks on the kids.  :) The pairs get all mixed up.  And pants that actually stay on Avi's little waist?  Right! Meanwhile, all I can find for Collin is shorts. His pants all have holes in the knees anyway.  Goodness! And that moment when Blake asks if we have any clean whites laying around because we are both definitely out...  Of course if that happens when the kids are in bed that isn't always a bad thing.  :) He he.  If we can both stay awake that is.  
•  
• We are pretty nonsocial these days.  I don't have any time for playdates or Girl's night outs or game nights and we still don't have a table to invite friends over for dinner.  And in the evenings and weekends I want to be with our family because we are away from one another all week. 
•  
• I never exercise.  I miss it.  But when would I possibly go out for a run? The idea is impossible. We have gotten some family hiking in on the weekends, which is super fun.  But going the kid's pace is not exactly high intensity exercise.  Oh, to go running!
•  
• The state of the house.  Oh, my!  Vacuuming and sweeping are a luxury that often has to wait until the weekends.  I love feeling all the crumbs under my feet.  :) Please don't judge me! 

So, that is all for now!  More to come...when I have time.  :)

Perfect Fall Twilight

We had a wonderful weekend together.  I wish I could capture it all.  But one thing I had to take a minute to write down is my Mommy Sons date on Saturday evening during the priesthood session.

I took my little ones on a walk down to our favorite little spot.  It has a nice spot between some condos with grass and trees.  It is perfect for bike rides for Collin.  I push Avind on the tricycle and he just hangs onto the handles as I push.  We made our way to this spot and there was a wonderful blanket of yellow leaves all on the grass.  I couldn't resist.  I started pushing those leaves into piles.  What would fall be without a good leaf pile for jumping?  Avind learned very quickly what those piles were about and gleefully jumped in one.  I would go fix the other pile and he would dart over and jump into that one next.  And he just giggled and laughed with me.  He learned last week how to have a leaf fight and throw leaves so he would grad handfuls of leaves and put them on my head.  We laid back together in our leaf pile and looked up into the still full tree above us.  Ah, Heaven!

Collin was having a blast too.  He discovered that riding your bike through a leaf pile is amazingly fun as well.  I love when he tips over...and then he jumps up and declares, "I'm okay!!!"  He also threw the little football around and we took turns tackling each other in the leaves.

I discovered our tree was a perfect climbing tree.  I surprised myself when I could actually jump up and swing myself into the branches.  I loved it!  I forgot how much I love sitting in a tree!  Collin wanted to join me and again I was surprised that I had the strength to pull him up.  Avind was a bit unhappy that I couldn't get him up with us too.  Collin soon got a bit nervous so I helped him down. But, goodness, my calm and special place...definitely in a tree!

The sun had set and the light was soft and the moon was out.  The fall colors were beautiful and muted by the light.  It was PERFECT.  And my heart was full of joy.  That is a treasure moment.  We soon headed home with leaves stuck in our hair and with full hearts.  What a wonderfully wonderful day.  :)

Sick Day

It feels so strange to be home all by myself.  I am quite sick. I woke up last night and could feel my dinner still sitting in my stomach...not a good feeling. And I knew that I wouldn't be going to work today.  In fact, I can't actually go any further than my bed...I need to be close to a bathroom, if you know what I mean. Sorry if that is TMI.

 I am very grateful I got a substitute folder put together last week.  I did it with the thought that if the kids got sick I would be able to stay home with them.  But I am the lucky one I guess.  But the most amazing thing about this sick day is that I could still send the kids to daycare and that means I can focus completely on taking care of myself and getting some rest.  That is a leisure very few mom's ever get.  Usually when a Mom is sick, they still have to be mom.  So, this is indeed a blessing. 

Funny though that I am sad to send them away.  I would love a day with the kids all to myself.

I think I will find sometime today to finally chronicle how we ended up in Bozeman.  But right now, I think I will get some rest.   







We had a PIR day at work today...yay!  No students!  But it flew by lightning quick.  I wish we hadn't had 4 hours of meetings.  They really could have just given us the whole day to work.  I know we all have plenty to do.  And I know for a fact that teachers make the worst students. 

Kiddo updates

I need to write a kiddo update!

Collin-

• Oh, my Collin!  He is getting to be so grown up.  He is very sweet with his mama- told me the other day, "I miss being together all day mom!"

• He still loves pirates and often talks about his awesome pirate birthday party at the old house.  Sometimes he tells me he misses Virginia and misses going to the beach.  He also missed Lily.  He talks about her a lot. 

• Collin is getting better incredible at problem solving. He plays really well with his friends and is good at playing pretend.  He has a great imagination and so verbal and can make conclusions about things much better than other kids his age. 
•  He is excited that Blake is writing a book and helps him with ideas

• He has missed his toys and has loved when I get out a new box with toys.  He will spend hours creating intricate battles and stories.  

• I stay and lay by him sometimes at night and cuddle.  I love those moments. I miss him.  He has been my little buddy.  We actually probably get along better now because we have time to miss each other, but it is still so hard to be away from him all day.  For a few weeks it was really rough because our two or three hours together were battling over food and using the bathroom.  The last 2 weeks have improved drastically.  He will sometimes just out of the blue say, "I love you mom! You are the best mom in the world" and it makes me feel perfect.  :)

• He is really confident when meeting other people.  Even adults.  He will see them and say, "Hi.  My name is Collin. What's your name?" and he does it in a clear, strong voice. 

• He is doing better with food.  We went through a rough streak where he wouldn't eat anything that wasn't a hotdog or peanut butter and honey.  We were fed up and told him one night that he would have the food for breakfast unless he tried it.  So, he had it there for breakfast, lunch, and it wasn't until dinner that he finally gave in and ate it.  We did that twice.  It was miserable and I hated seeing him be hungry, but we made it, and now he will eat.  And I am grateful it has gotten better. 

Avind-

• This little baby is growing up quickly!  And he is such a little person now instead of a baby.  I still imagine how Collin was at this age and in a way it makes me miss Collin.  But I adore this age in kids and I am trying to soak it up.  Avind is definitely not the compliant little child that Collin was.  He can be downright defiant sometimes.  But then he is so sweet and dependent at the same time.  
• He combines our names so often.  He just wants one of us to come save him from his crib.  He will yell, "Mamadada!" Or "MaDada!"  He still doesn't sleep well.  He is more often than not awake in the middle of the night.  

• He was waking up a bunch a few weeks ago and had a fever.  I looked for new teeth but didn't see them.  But I hadn't looked in the back.  He was getting Molars before the other teeth.  I have never seen that.  Now he is getting another in front. 

• This kiddo loves football- grabs Blake's hand and goes to the tv saying "fut-bal fut-bal" and then swings his arms back and forth and makes sound effects as he watches.  He is so cute about it!

• He is talking!  A whole lot now.  He says, "baby" whenever he sees any picture of himself or collin as a baby, or any baby.  He can say a whole bunch of new words; ball, bat, no, mine, thank you, sorry, please, love you, go, omi, papa.  If fact, he tries to copy any word we ask him to.  

• I love how he says, "buhbye!" and waves as you leave.  If he want's to get out of bed, he waves at a sleeping collin and desperately says "buhbye! buhbye"

• He is doing really well with daycare.  It was rough for both of us the first two weeks, but I think it has been really good for him.  The teachers say that he is learning all of the kids' names and it cracks them up.  I think he really likes it there.  And for the first time he has peers his own age.  I love coming to see him at lunch time.  He is so happy to see me and runs over to me.  
• We are a bit concerned about his right foot.  It is really turned in and you can really see it as he walks.  It is something I will need to get checked out soon.  He often trips on it.  

• Sometimes he just kisses me over and over.  And his giggle is as contagous as ever.  He especially loves to laugh with Collin. 

We have had some fun family adventures since moving here. While the weather has been nice, we tried to get out and see some things.

• Our first trip was up Hiyalite Canyon.  We hiked up Palasade Falls. It was so good to get out and to hike!

• We hiked the M a couple of weeks ago.  It was really fun.  We did have to go up a fairly steep shale slope and I was on hands and feet with avi in the carrier.  He was dangling and thought is was hilarious.  He would especially giggle when my foot slipped!  I was a bit nervous, but we made it.  :)

• The next week we went on Pete's hill and it was absolutely beautiful and wonderful to be out. It really is a beautiful place to live.

• We had some friends invite us on a drive up to Fairy Lake.  Sure!  we said and followed them in their minivan.  Holy cow.  The road was terrible.  And I wasn't sure our car was going to come out unscathed.  Poor Collin was terrified.  He cried and screamed, "I don't want to die!  I'm scared!" I know it must have been scary.  heck, I was a bit scared.  more for the car than for us.  I eventually made Blake stop in the middle of the washed out dirt road on the incline and got Collin out to walk up the hill so Blake could focus on driving.  Collin was still distraught becuase Avind was still in the car.  :) Sweet boy.  But we made it up and Blake made it and it was all worth it.  The lake was gorgeous and Collin soon was in the freezing lake with his friend Alex having a marvelous time. He even said it was worth it, though he said several prayers on the way back and held my hand to feel safe.  

• Yesterday we were watching the steward kids and we all walked down to mainstreet for the MSU homecoming parade.  It was super fun.  I loved being with the kids and doing something local and fun.  They loved it and got a nice supply of candy.  Even though it was cold and rainy, I loved it.

• We also made it to the BHS football game on Friday night with the Jacksons.  It was fun to be out with the community and the school.  It was hard to keep the kids entertained, but it was fun.  We stayed until half time and then brought them home.  

What a month!  We took a lot of time to get things in order today at the house.  It is not there yet, but it is coming along.  I love when it starts to really feel like home.  

Happy First Day of Fall! Sept 24

I feel like I never have a spare moment right now.  But I had to take a moment to capture a tender moment with Collin.  I got out of work early on Friday and took the boys to the park and the library. It was heaven to have a few hours with my boys!  We naturally picked out a few George Washington books and some fall and apple books.  Yesterday morning in celebration of the first day of fall Collin wanted to make sugar cookies.  I told him we didn’t have time, but that we could have bagels and pretend they were cookies.  So, Collin and I had bagels with strawberry cream chesse, orange spinkles, and a couple of candy corns on top. And we read an apple book and then shared a yummy honeycrisp apple. 

So, this evening after the craziness of the day, I read another apple book with him.  And naturally he wanted an apple to eat.  I sliced up another honeycrisp for our family to share and gave out the slices while the rest remained on the counter.  Collin would sneak over and grab another slice and laughingly say, “You didn’t see me, but I grabbed another slice off the counter when you weren’t looking!”  Finally he declared, “I took the last slice when you weren’t looking mom! This slice is for the most specialist person.” Then he added, “Do you know who the most specialist person is? It’s YOU mom!” And he handed me the last slice and gave me a big hug.  

Being a mom is the best.  :)

I can do hard things Sept 17

Something I often tell Collin is this: "You can do hard things."  I have found that in the last couple of weeks I have had to repeat this phrase to myself quite a bit.  Now we get to see if I can live up to my own expectations.

Today was a hard day.  I put quite a bit of effort into planning and preparing a lab for the students so that I am not just blabbing at them every day.  We did that lab today and it was a mess.  And a total waste of time.  Sometimes I wonder if there is anything inside those heads.  It is amazing how much they don't hear.  It is incredible that I can talk for 10 minutes outlining instructions, do a demonstration, show where written instructions can be found, and yet still have several, "Wait, what are we supposed to do?  How do you make a slide?" 

My 5th period class in particular is a real trip.  9 girls and 20 boys.  Ug.  It is the period after lunch, and several of my special needs kids are in there. They are the class (seems like there is always one) that no matter how I switch up the seating chart, I can't contain them.  I really don't want to stifle the energy of the boys, but trying to direct that energy is exhausting. After that class today I was ready to throw in the towel.  I just want to stay home tomorrow. Too bad subs don't get personal leave days.

 

Teaching

Wow.  I am beyond tired.  And I am only on day 2 of teaching.

I forgot how draining it is to be in front of a class all day long.  My feet and legs ache.  And I am ready for bed and it is only 8:30.  Last night I felt so out of sorts.  I couldn't get myself organized.  There are a lot of little details that take time to figure out: setting up the computer to the printer; getting on moodle; getting a password for copies; figuring out passwords for the computer; and so many other things. And by the time I get through one of those, I don't have any time for planning. 

It is difficult to know that someone else is taking care of the kids all day. But something I can now appreciate is my ability to understand both working moms and stay at home moms.  I have stepped into a different world, and it is very difficult.  So was staying at home all day.  It is amazing how both can be so challenging in different ways. 

Another thing I can appreciate about this situation is how much I love and value my time with my boys now. I no longer browse on the phone while I nurse Avind.  I watch him every moment and marvel at perfect face and hands.  I take him all in- I smell him and feel him and hear him.  I love him and I miss him while I am gone from him.   With Collin our interactions together are more meaningful.  We seem to be best buddies.  I still have to be mom and tell him no and he still gets upset, but it is short lived.  He often nestles up to me and tells me he loves me and that I am the best mommy.  And I can't help but see how wonderful he is and am slower to anger when he is difficult. 

What a great opportunity for me.  I also enjoy the teaching.  I can already pick out the kids that can use some extra attention and love.  And I know I can do that.  It doesn't take much.  Just to be someone that cares. Someone who notices when they are gone.  Who knows, maybe we ended up in Montana so that I could help one of these kids and make a difference.

Behold Your Little Ones

I have felt the pain of feeling less than adept in my parenting lately.  I recognize that we have a significant amount of pressures and stresses that have intensified frustrations and irritations.  But Collin and I specifically have been struggling.

I read a lesson in the Manual from Joseph Fielding Smith the other night.  It is titled, "Bringing Children up in Truth and Light."  I read, and I cried.  And I felt the weight of all I was doing wrong lately.  And how little of the gospel I have taught.

I have felt often like I am completely out of sync with my ability to reason with Collin and help him calm down.  He has been disrespectful and belligerent to several adults.  And it embarrasses me.  I can't help but feel like it is a direct reflection of my ability to be a good mom.  I try not to let that be how I feel.  But I feel that others must be judging me.  And it is hard.  It is hard to try to understand how upside down Collin's world has become.  We have been essentially out of routine and living out of suit cases for 3 months.  And he misses his friends.

I realized today that though I really am trying to do well, there are some things I really need to do better.  I am always rushing Collin,  "Hurry!  We need to go!  Quick!  Get buckled!  Stop playing around and get done!  Go faster! Hurry hurry hurry! Put that down and let's go!"  Why? Why am I rushing us about?  I want to slow down.  I want to stop rushing his world and let him love it.  And I want to love it with him.  I mean in reality, isn't the reason we have to rush is because I slept too long, or spent too much time getting ready?  So often I am the root of the problem and yet he gets the brunt of it. 

Granted, I can also recognize that I am doing some of this right, too. I have a significant amount of stress to deal with, but I have stayed pretty calm for most of my Collin dealings.  And I have tried my best to show tenderness.  And to give big hugs and cuddles.

We had some rough spots today.  He had a melt down at the post office when he saw a Jack Sparrow birthday card that he insisted I buy for him.  He HAD to have it.  I was firm in my answer of "no." And I still feel that is the right answer.  He has this feeling that just because he wants something means he should get it.  I am a firm believer in kids hearing "no." But he was just so sad.  And he threw a big fit to prove it. In front of a rather large audience. And we had some conflict later as well.  But, I did one part right today.  After his teeth were brushed, I held out my arms to him.  He gave me a giant hug and told me, "Mom, you are so special to me!" and I dipped him down and started singing my song for him, Golden Slumbers.  And he sang with me with his little angel voice. We sang together and it was so lovely! And then I cuddled next to him for a silly story and stayed next to him while he feel asleep with my hand on his chest.  I could feel his heart beat and his lungs work and I marveled at my beautiful son. And I promised myself that I would try harder to be a better mom. And that I would do my best to slow down. 

It was rather appropriate then that I read in 3 Nephi 17 about when Jesus Christ gathers the Nephite children all around and blesses them and prays with them.  The spirit whispered to my heart, "See?  This is the reason you are here.  And those two boys of yours are your purpose!  Don't rush it!  Don't miss it.  Love them and be your best mom self." Christ gathers them all and then declares, "Behold your little ones!" Yes Liesel. Behold them.  Cherish them. The angels come down from the Heavens and encircle them.  And I can imagine the angels around my sweet boys.  I will do better.  I will do all I can to "behold" them. 

The Sunshine Through the Rain

Despite the uncertainty of our situation right now, we have had some incredibly happy moments in our little family.  Moments where I have realized that our happiness is not dependent on money or possessions or even our home.  Happiness is where my boys are. 

This afternoon it rained and rained.  Collin wanted to go jump on the trampoline.  And he kept asking.  I was feeling a bit down and didn't even consider the trampoline an option in the rain. But after awhile I realized how silly that was.  Why couldn't I go with Collin out in the rain?  Why would rain stop us from having fun together?  So without saying anything, and still in our church clothes, I scooped him up and started running for the back door.  "What are you doing Mommy? Where are we going?" I ran out across the grass and up onto the trampoline.  It had mostly stopped raining. He was delighted!  We jumped and water splashed and we slipped and laughed and got quite wet.  And it was such a beautiful moment. My dear Collin!  So much like me.  :) I was so grateful at that moment for him. For pulling me out of my sad place. For helping me see the sunshine through the rain. 

Daddy and Avind soon joined us.  Blake helped Collin out of his soaked church clothes in hopes of preserving them so Collin continued to jump in his red and blue Superman undies.  Oh, he was so cute!  I want to freeze that picture in my mind of him jumping and laughing in his undies.  Avind and I ran away from him and squealed. 

After awhile we got down and went to the swings under the beautiful big maple tree.  Collin was so happy.  He sat on the swing and I sat on the other.  Avind wanted a try, too.  I said out loud, "I never want to forget this moment.  This picture of Collin swing away in his undies, dragging his feet in the mud and loving it.  With Avind and Daddy close by.  And me feeling the mud under my feet."  Collin was gleeful and replied, "I will pray to God right now so that we will never forget this moment. Me, sittin' here and you on that swing. And we can remember it forever!  I am so happy Mommy! Thank you God! He must really love us." Yes, yes I think he must.  And I felt it today. 

The Wright and Left Brothers

My goodness.  Life is passing by and I haven't written it down! That is terribly sad considering what a tremendous experience we are passing through as a family. I think at times there is so much that I don't know what to write.  How could I possible capture it? And most of the time the problem is overwhelming tiredness.  But I felt an urgency this evening to write at least a little snapshot of our wonderful little people we get to call our own.  

Avind

• Our baby is already 15 months old and running all the time.  He understands so much now!  We are continuing to work on teaching body parts.  
• This little guy LOVES animals.   Any time he sees one, in real life, or in a book or on TV, he just lets out a happy yell and puts out his hand in the "I want that" signal that he made up on his own.  We have let him keep puppy(the stuffed one) keep him company in his crib and he will hug him and carry him around.
• For the first time last week Avind used "Momee/Dadee" It was sweet! 
• He has this highly entertaining speed walk/dance he does lately by swinging his arms side to side while he walks. It throws his entire balance off, which makes his hips wiggle and he looks just like he is speed walking with the best of the old people. 
• To get down the stairs in the Miller's home where we are staying he prefers the bum method to the slide down on stomach one.  And with each step he lets out a good, "Uh!" as he lands.  
• The trampoline has been a big hit with our kids.  I will take avind's hands and run backwards as he takes big, bounding running steps.  He giggles like crazy.  Yesterday I was on the hammock and the kids were around but suddenly I realized Avind was not near.  I sat up to look for him and didn't see him.  But I soon recognized a tiny body happily running circles on the trampoline all by himself
• Avi prays with hands folded and lets out an exuberant yell when we say "in the name of..." part because he knows that means it is when he will finally get his food.
• Today I wouldn't let him have another piece of watermelon until he ate his other food. Oh, you should have heard him telling me a thing or two. He was jabbering up all sorts of things.  But he did eat his food.  And I did give him another piece for it. 

Collin

• Just days before we moved out of our stillwood house we got to celebrate Collin's 4th birthday.  He chose months ago to have a Jack Sparrow/Pirates of the Caribbean Party and cake.  I was a little nervous about delivering, but we did well!  Of course it was really just a general pirate party but it was perfect.  I made my best cake yet.  It was a 3D pirate ship cake, complete with black sails so I could explain to Collin that it was the Black Pearl.  The best thing is that I finished the cake the night before the party.  And that resulted in the most enjoyable and relaxed party I have had as a mom yet.  

• The party even included a pirate ship pinata that was surprisingly sturdy and made it through three rounds of abuse before yielding its goodies.
• We had a family birthday dinner at Chuck E Cheese on the 21st and thoroughly enjoyed a last night out before the madness.  

• I was declared to be "the best mom ever!" when he opened his birthday present of revolutionary war toy soldiers complete with a George Washington figure and his white horse. These were the cause of intense tantrum at Yorktown Victory Center several weeks back when I told him he couldn't get them then and there.  Oh, what a fit it was!  With plenty of disapproving witnesses too. When he behaved so much better the next day there, I sneaked in and bought them for his birthday. You can bet he had a greater appreciation for those soldiers after all that!  It has been a present to me really as he has enjoyed many hours of self-entertainment. 

• He has played quite well with Avind on several occasions and told me the other day, "I love playing with Avi, mom!  He is so fun and cute!"
• Collin loves, LOVES the trampoline and hammock and toys here at the Millers.  He and I have spent a good amount of time on both.  The first day here we sat in the hammock and he said, "Let's spend the entire day in the hammock mom!  I just love it so much!"

• We had Collin's 4 year well-check at the Pediatrician on Monday.  He is 39 inches tall (30%) and 35 lbs (25% but 50% for his height).  I felt like it was a surprise parenting final exam for me!  Dr. Baker asked Collin all the questions such as, "So, Collin, what happens at your house when you do something you shouldn't?  What do mom and dad do?" That one caught my attention.  And "do mommy and daddy help you brush your teeth twice a day? What kind of food do you eat each day?" I think I passed!  But on a few of those I was a bit nervous how he would respond.  But it was all good.  :) Maybe he realizes how I love him after all.  
• He was terrified to get his shots.  It was a struggle to get him to even get into the car to go to the doctor's office.  When he realized it was time for the shots he hid under the chairs.  Poor kid.  I don't blame him.  But the nurse said she could easily give him shots down there.  He jumped up and said, "Hey, I know! I will just close my eyes and then it will be okay!" And he did.  He closed his eyes tight for each of the 3 shots and didn't even flinch or make a sound.  I was quite surprised and impressed.  He told Blake and I later that during the shot when he closed his eyes he thought of Lily for the one, and Mommy and Daddy together with him during the other. Oh my sweet boy.  He knows just how to make me feel good at this mom thing.  :)
• Yesterday we took a trip to Kitty Hawk to see the Wright Brothers Monument.  I loved it.  Collin had already been there twice with Papa.  When we got in the car he asked Blake, "So, what did you learn about the Wright Brother's Today?" When Blake returned the question after he answered, Collin replied, "I already know everything about them." Ha ha! Funny kid!  Especially when he still insists the "Left Brothers" must be on the other hill where we haven't been yet.  :)

• A frequent question lately from Collin is, "Why would God make __________(snakes, mosquitoes, cactus...) ?" or "Why does God want me to ______________________ (get hurt, be hungry, smash my finger...)?"  It makes for some fun conversations to be sure. 
• I decided to watch the Liberty's Kids shows with Collin starting at the beginning and I am really enjoying them!  It is neat to have the history portrayed in a simple but poignant manner. I have come to love our country more and appreciate the struggle it took.

What a blessing to have our boys. I love them deeply, dearly.

My favorite boy and I have been busy attempting to map out our future!  And we still don't know yet what it will be.  Can you believe that with just a week to study, and during our move nonetheless, Blake scored in the 99% on the verbal portion of the test, and in the 56% for the math? That is phenomenal!  I am so happy for him! Happy but not surprised.  Remember, I did scope out his test scores on that class list/report all those years ago on the first day of our Senior year.  And I was impressed enough to entertain him as a valid contender for my attention.  :) My early research has served me well.  :) Now, what we will do with that potential and awesomeness...TBA!

Our move was busy and hard and terrible and hectic and everything that moving is, no matter how prepared you think you are before hand.  But we did it.  And we had help.  I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of help we received.  So many came to our aid, and I don't think we could have done without any of them.  Despite the chaos the men got our stuff crammed into the 13ft we had paid for.  That was impressive!  The next day cleaning was just exhausting and never ending!  But worth the effort and we were told that the owners agreed to return our entire deposit.  Another blessing!

 We like to joke that the Miller home is essentially a vacation home!  And it feels like it.  What a yard to enjoy.  Blake and I sat out on the hammock Monday night and watched the sun set and saw a few late season fireflies search for "friends."  :) We are trying to earn our keep.  I used a riding lawnmower for the first time in my life as we tended to the yard.  I am very grateful to be here.

Concerning our future, I feel I can relate a little to Nephi in the book of Helaman. I have been reading in the BOM each day and his story is relative to how I feel.  The believers are going to be put to death for believing the words of Samuel the Lamanite because the non-believers feel like the day for the sign of Christ's birth has passed.  He goes out to pray to the Lord and he is there praying all day long. All day long.  He must have felt quite anxious!  They will die!  The very next day!  So, he prays and prays.  Finally, at the end of the day Christ speaks to him and assures him that the sign will be given the next day.  Talk about cutting it close!  But they made it.  The sign came and they were saved, delivered.  So, it's all good.  We will be just fine.  We will be "delivered" and figure out where to go and what to do.  I believe!  But maybe I need to spend some more time on my knees.  :)
  

Moving = Tired

It is late and I am just bone tired.  It is tiring to move, not just physically, but in every other way too. I get rather sentimental about things and it makes me emotional. I posted many of our belongings for sale on Craigslist and it made me sad.  I hate to give up my patio set with it's blessed mosquito net.  We had it for just one year.  And I loved it.  Selling the boogie boards is difficult because I can see in my mind Collin cruising on the waves and laughing with delight.  Or our slide that took us so long to find!  A gift from the Furimans to Collin last year before they took off to Idaho.  I can see Avind as he proudly sits at the top after getting there all by himself. 

And then as we pack box after box I wonder why we are keeping all this stuff!  Mind you, I have diligently purged our home for several months now.  We don't really have junk.  But we still have lots of stuff.  And I can't help but wonder if it is all necessary. 

A quick note:
Avind had his 15 month check-up today.  He is a whopping 17lbs 11oz.  I think that is once again off the chart.  And I just realized I don't even know how tall he is. Whoops! He got 3 shots today and had the saddest cry.  But big brother was there to be funny and quickly cheer him up.  Collin hates when Avind has to get shots.  He always tells me that he hates having to hear him cry; that it makes him so sad he just can't stand it.  He is a wonderful brother.

We had a little incident today where Avind had climbed up the steps of the slide, but the slide was on the concrete.  Well, Collin knows that the slide is supposed to be on the grass when Avi climbs it just in case he falls.  So, he starts pushing the slide, meanwhile, Avind is trying to hang on as he is standing precariously on the top step.  Oh, man!  I yelled for Collin to stop.  Blake rushed out the door to get Collin to stop.  That poor little boy! He felt terrible.  He had wanted to protect his brother and instead he almost hurt him.  He cried and cried as I held him.  It was just one of those scary, but then tender moments when I realize what a good soul this little man of mine has.  We got him laughing soon and it was all okay after a little while.  Then it was off to Chuck E Cheese for a Collin Birthday Dinner.  

Well, it is time for sleep.  The babies will be up before we know it!

Tender Mercies

This was the draft of a post I started last Monday:

I feel incredibly stressed at the moment.  I spent the last hour researching a bit on moving trucks and it just made me feel a bit ill at ease.  We are going to drain our entire savings just to move.  Ug.  And there are so many factors to consider! What size, what day, where to (that would be good to know, eh?), what to do with the cats, how far can we go in a day, sell or keep the washer and dryer...  The enormity of the situation is starting to hit me and I just don't know how we are going to do it.

I have my good days when I think "It's okay!  We are capable people.  We are going to figure this out." And then I get a day like today and I feel sunk. 

 I didn't post it because I was afraid Blake would read it and feel awful.  And I didn't want that.  So, I saved without publishing, cried to my mom, said my prayers, and went to bed. 

Now, let me share some of the "Tender Mercies" I have been blessed with since that night. And let me testify that I feel God's love in these small but significant events. 

#1- On Tuesday morning I read this scripture from Alma 58:11 during my studies, "Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us: yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him." That message was for me.  I could hear Heavenly Father talking to me.  And it brought me peace and hope.

#2- Blake was scheduled to get into Norfolk at 4pm on Tuesday.  We were all very excited for him to get home to us!  But in Atlanta, Delta needed to get a pilot to Norfolk and the plane was full.  They asked for a volunteer to give up their seat.  Blake thought for just a second, but then jumped up to offer his seat.  Luckily, earlier in the day they had asked what it would take, between $100-$500,  to have him give up his seat. He chose $500.  Now when he volunteered he pointed out that number and they readily gave him a voucher for $500 to use within the next year.  Suddenly that trip was not so expensive!  He got home to us at 6:30pm, $500 richer.  :) What a blessing!

#3- Wednesday evening came and we had still not heard from the MTC about the job.  We assumed that meant bad news for us, but it was emotionally draining not to have a concrete "no." I felt very depressed throughout the day.  I finally broke down to Blake in the evening and he held me while I cried.  What were we going to do?  I mentioned that I felt like we just needed a little more time.  Just 2 mores weeks! We have to be out on July 31st.  But where would we go? How could we drive to Montana without knowing for certain if Blake was accepted into the Master's Program?  But how could we take all of our things to Henderson to stay with my parents for a few weeks but then have to repack it all to drive to Montana if we did?  And if we stayed here, who could keep us for nearly 3 weeks?  My head spun as I tried to think of the best solution.  

The next day we wrote down our options and began our pros & cons lists.  We felt like Blake should talk with our friend Ryan to have someone to bounce some ideas off of.  Ryan called back right as we were making the lists.  Now, can you believe that Ryan and Karen are leaving this Sunday and their still furnished home will be empty until the movers come to pack it up on Aug. 18th?  And can you believe that they offered to let us stay there during that time?  Can you really believe that God found us the two more weeks that I cried out for?  My heart is so full! He "delivered" us.  I am overwhelmingly thankful for our good dear friends for their help.  What a blessing they have been and continue to be in our lives.  

#4- It can be daunting to know where to start when trying to pack a house.  And an extra person there to get you going can make an enormous difference. Lori Jensen, my RS president called that afternoon.  She didn't say, "Is there anything I can do?" she said, "I have a free hour right now.  Can I come over and help you with something?" That is the best way to offer service.  Not asking what can be done, but offering something specific.  I had her come and she brought her daughter Keri who played with Collin while Lori and I got the garage in order and mostly packed.  It took an hour to do what would have taken me 3 or 4.  Thank you Lori for your service and even more importantly your example of how to serve better.  

#5- Our friends, the Jensens, invited us for dinner at their home for that Thursday.  It was wonderful that have a good meal that I didn't have to take time to cook. As we spoke to them, Daniel asked if we needed any boxes.  He said they had dozens of them from their move here and had been trying to get rid of them.  We were able to stack these great boxes perfectly into our trunk.  A small thing, and yet, something we needed. 

#6- I have had 3 separate friends take Collin for me for several hours at a time this week so that I could pack and get things done.  That makes a huge difference!  And I don't feel like he is just sitting in front of a TV all day.

#7- My good friend Lauren came to help me pack on Monday. As we worked in the kitchen and talked about our potential plans to do a Masters program, she offered to give us a GRE study book that she had bought.  She found out her program that she is starting this fall does not require her to take the GRE but it was too late to return the book.  MSU has become our plan A which means Blake needs to take the GRE by the end of the month.  And now he has a brand new GRE study book.  
 
Has not the scripture I read been fulfilled?  Has God not "visited us with assurances that he would deliver us?" I am in awe as I recall all these little moments in which I have felt Heavenly Father's "tender mercies."

So we didn't get the MTC job.  And we can't be sure we will get in to MSU.  And there are a multitude of other things that haven't quite turned out for us.  But it doesn't really matter because I have faith that we will find our way.  And God is letting us know in little ways that he is close.  It is not easy, and I still don't know how this is all going to work out, but I do know that it will.  And that is enough.  That is faith.  "...insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him." All is well, all is well.

Borrowing a Kid

This was a wonderful day. Why you ask?  Well because I borrowed a kid for the entire day and I got so much done!

The kid was Zack Miller and he is the friend that Collin plays with the best.  They played so well together.  Every time I said it was time to go, they begged for more time together.  And it turned out to be my easiest day in 2 weeks. I am so sad that they are moving apart from each other.  Zack will be in Texas soon and we will be...oh, yeah!  We still don't know where we will be.  :)  We just enjoy the thrill of spontaneity.

We also killed some time earning some free food.  Who wouldn't dress like a cow to get a free Chick Fil A meal?  Yum!  I sent a message to Sarah who got home yesterday and we met up.  And that was a happy reunion!  You should have seen Lily and Collin with one another!  They were completely enveloped in each other the whole time.  

They both insist they are going to marry one another.  Once again too bad we are moving away from her.  Those would be the two friends I would take with us if I could.  Hmmmmmm.  Wish I could at least borrow them for the car ride.  :)  Avi enjoyed his very first kids meal.  He was a happy cow indeed.

I finally conquered the paper pile that has been haunting me for the last few months.  Even on vacation it was there in the back of my mind, and then at home every time I would walk by it yelled, "figure me out!" It took several hours to sort it all out.  What a big relief! Good riddance ominous mess!

Blake had his interview at BYU for the MTC position yesterday.  I am certain he did well, but he feels unsure.  What I think really bothers him is that the interviewers mentioned that the other final applicants are already currently employed at the MTC and they wanted to know what Blake has to offer.  I know that made him very uncertain about getting the spot.  The good thing about that is he is working hard again today to make sure we have something else if that is the case.  I believe we are serious about going to MSU for our backup plan.  So, we shall see, eh?

On that note, I miss my Blake.  I could go for a nice long hug and a good 15 second kiss right now.

As we drove today to borrow and return Zack I marveled at the beauty of this place.  Green green everywhere!  I know I will miss that.  It just feels alive!  And I love that.  On a hot, humid summer day you can see the water in the air.  It creates a kind of mist about everything.  What a fun place to be.  I began a top 10 list about Virginia.  It makes me happy we've had a chance to make Virginia our home for the past 5 years.  What a blessing and adventure it's been!  Look for the post soon!

And we may have ended the day with a free slurppie. :) I couldn't resist having Collin try one for the first time. 

He is a fan. :) we walked in right at 7pm as they were finishing the freebies. The man was nice enough to have pity on a mom toting a baby and a barefooted preschooler. Thanks random man for making us happy!

Btw: would you like to know a trick for keeping a spotless kitchen?  Have an ant problem. It is the best motivation I have ever had to putting all food away and doing all dishes and cleaning every surface. :)

Sleepover!

I am very grateful after a few busy days that I am not a single parent and that Blake is generally home.  And that when he is home he is home, meaning he is involved.  He is always a part of bedtimes and tidying up and spending time.  He has spoiled me rotten and I adore him for it.  And I feel his absence deeply because of it.  Looking forward to Tuesday!

After my mom fail from the other night (which I partially redeemed myself in Collin's eyes by taking up his baseball and bat and leaving it with a large note that said, "Mommy loves Collin!" so he could play with them in the morning) I decided we needed to have some special time together.  That meant a sleepover! We put Avind to bed last night and then Collin got to stay up with me to finish the World Cup Semi-Final and then sleep in my bed next to me.  He excitedly claimed Daddy's spot and was tired enough that he had a difficult time calming down.  I have noticed that Collin's movement and craziness is directly related to how tired he is.  And it excellerates quickly! But it was really fun!  We laughed together and told jokes (cooted!) (could you just move that?) and had a marvelous time.  And then we cuddled up.  He could only get comfortable with my one arm under him and the other around him.  I knew my arm would be feeling pins and needles in no time, but it was totally worth it.  His breathing deepened and became steady.  I got to study his perfect little face and it made my heart swell with joy.  And then I could move my arm and get some blood flowing again.

We both slept fairly well.  I am getting better at sleeping next to him.  :)  But there was a point when he just tossed and turned over and over.  I thought it was interesting.  I wonder what made him do that. And then somewhere around 4 he was awake and wanted to talk but I was out of it.  He was super sweet though, telling me, "I just love you sooooo much mommy!" and telling me how pretty I am.

And then an hour later or so he was saying he was cold...

And then at 6 am it was, "Um, Mommy?  I need to show you something.  I am so sorry but I think the bed is wet." Our sleepover party had become a potty party.  But you know what?  It was okay.  It was worth it.  I actually felt like I had anticipated that it would happen.  And our bed has a waterproof mattress cover so it wasn't too big of a deal.  Except for the pillow.  I don't know if this one is going to be able to recover.  Good thing he was on Blake's side of the bed!  :)  We got up and stripped the bed and got him into the bathtub.  Avind was crying for Momma, and the morning began in full swing.

I guess Collin had so much fun that he decided he wanted another sleepover tonight!  I put the kids to bed at the same time.  We had watched Liberty's Kids #5 (I decided I wanted to watch them in order with Collin.  It has been a super fun Mom/Collin thing.  Something special-and it is a good little show!) and Avind was really difficult.  Then when it was time to get into the crib he started stalling.  He is pretty good at it already.  He does his water sign, he pulls at my shirt even though he has already nursed, he grabs at his clean diaper and says, "da!  Da!" like he needs a change.  But to his much anguish I put him in his crib anyway.  Collin was in his George Washington costume so I knew he would take awhile to settle down.  I gave him permission to play for just a little bit before getting into bed.

Well, 30 minutes later I can hear them and they are making a ton of noise.  I walk in and all the pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, and Collin are in the crib with Avind!  "Well this looks fun!" I say. "You can play for five more minutes, and then you need to get back into bed." But Collin says, "I am in bed!  We are going to all sleep in here tonight"  The best part was Avind's little face.  He was happy as could be and dove back down under one of the pillows.  :) Our little boys, such good buddies already.  They really are so fun together. They love to have pillow fights.  And Avind loves to hold the pillow that knocks Collin over when we play wipeout.  And Avind is quick to snatch Collin's glasses when Collin is trying to take something from him.

I had to explain that it wasn't safe yet for Avi to have all those things in his crib, and Collin said, "Oh, Okay.  Well, then I will need some helping putting it all back." Avind was very sad to see him go.  I sure love my boys!

Mom fail

My heart hurts tonight. I had a mom fail. And it makes me sad. 

We have had a rough week or two, Collin and I. He has been resistant to everything I ask him to do. And I have had little patience for it. I have lost my cool too many times. Considering our current circumstances it is understandable. But I still don't like it and I would like to change it. 

Collin becomes afraid fairly easily. Particularly when he sees something on TV to trigger a fear. Lately he can't stand to be alone because he is afraid. But tonight he really struggled. 

I guess while Blake and I were out to lunch today he saw something on disney channel about a monster who was turning things to stone. At bedtime then he stalled and stalled and then told me he was scared of this monster he had seen. 

I was so out of energy by this time (7:30.) I had dropped Blake off at the airport and I felt like this week alone felt impossible. It was one of those days that bedtime wasn't coming fast enough. I had told 3 stories, read two books, sang three songs, changed two wet diapers, nursed twice, brushed teeth, had a battle about Collin using the potty and I was done. I needed me time. 

But Collin was scared. At first I thought he was just stalling. Then I realized he really was scared. So I tried to help. I tried to make it funny and silly; I tried to pray with him; I tried to be logical. (Meanwhile Avind is screaming in his crib) but the only thing Collin wanted was for me to sleep next to him. 

I am so beyond tired. And I don't sleep well with the kids. And I knew if I tried I would just be more tired in the morning and even more irritable. So I told him no and he cried and cried. I started getting upset and he just clung to me. I could see in his eyes and his face that he really was terrified. But I couldn't do it. I had reached my breaking point. I got up and was pulling his hands off me. My voice became raised and I yelled that he had to stay and I needed my sleep. And then the heartbreaker: "Mommy please stop! You are scaring me more!" He was shaking scared and completely desperate. And so was I. But I felt awful. I scared Collin. He was trying to get comfort from me but I was unable to give it. 

Why? What is wrong with me? How could I leave him alone because I am tired? What kind of mom does that? Why didn't I just scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him? How could I miss the chance to love?

I got him back in bed and I left some lights on and left the door open. I promised I would sit just outside his room until he was asleep. And he fell asleep very quickly. I pray he will sleep all night. Not sure I have the ability to love as I should right now. And that makes me sad. 

The best thing though is that kids love unconditionally. I can try again tomorrow. I can do better and he will forgive me for my mom fail. Oh how I love him. I hope I can do a better job of showing that. 

And I really hope I get some sleep.