Mom fail

My heart hurts tonight. I had a mom fail. And it makes me sad. 

We have had a rough week or two, Collin and I. He has been resistant to everything I ask him to do. And I have had little patience for it. I have lost my cool too many times. Considering our current circumstances it is understandable. But I still don't like it and I would like to change it. 

Collin becomes afraid fairly easily. Particularly when he sees something on TV to trigger a fear. Lately he can't stand to be alone because he is afraid. But tonight he really struggled. 

I guess while Blake and I were out to lunch today he saw something on disney channel about a monster who was turning things to stone. At bedtime then he stalled and stalled and then told me he was scared of this monster he had seen. 

I was so out of energy by this time (7:30.) I had dropped Blake off at the airport and I felt like this week alone felt impossible. It was one of those days that bedtime wasn't coming fast enough. I had told 3 stories, read two books, sang three songs, changed two wet diapers, nursed twice, brushed teeth, had a battle about Collin using the potty and I was done. I needed me time. 

But Collin was scared. At first I thought he was just stalling. Then I realized he really was scared. So I tried to help. I tried to make it funny and silly; I tried to pray with him; I tried to be logical. (Meanwhile Avind is screaming in his crib) but the only thing Collin wanted was for me to sleep next to him. 

I am so beyond tired. And I don't sleep well with the kids. And I knew if I tried I would just be more tired in the morning and even more irritable. So I told him no and he cried and cried. I started getting upset and he just clung to me. I could see in his eyes and his face that he really was terrified. But I couldn't do it. I had reached my breaking point. I got up and was pulling his hands off me. My voice became raised and I yelled that he had to stay and I needed my sleep. And then the heartbreaker: "Mommy please stop! You are scaring me more!" He was shaking scared and completely desperate. And so was I. But I felt awful. I scared Collin. He was trying to get comfort from me but I was unable to give it. 

Why? What is wrong with me? How could I leave him alone because I am tired? What kind of mom does that? Why didn't I just scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him? How could I miss the chance to love?

I got him back in bed and I left some lights on and left the door open. I promised I would sit just outside his room until he was asleep. And he fell asleep very quickly. I pray he will sleep all night. Not sure I have the ability to love as I should right now. And that makes me sad. 

The best thing though is that kids love unconditionally. I can try again tomorrow. I can do better and he will forgive me for my mom fail. Oh how I love him. I hope I can do a better job of showing that. 

And I really hope I get some sleep.