Behold Your Little Ones

I have felt the pain of feeling less than adept in my parenting lately.  I recognize that we have a significant amount of pressures and stresses that have intensified frustrations and irritations.  But Collin and I specifically have been struggling.

I read a lesson in the Manual from Joseph Fielding Smith the other night.  It is titled, "Bringing Children up in Truth and Light."  I read, and I cried.  And I felt the weight of all I was doing wrong lately.  And how little of the gospel I have taught.

I have felt often like I am completely out of sync with my ability to reason with Collin and help him calm down.  He has been disrespectful and belligerent to several adults.  And it embarrasses me.  I can't help but feel like it is a direct reflection of my ability to be a good mom.  I try not to let that be how I feel.  But I feel that others must be judging me.  And it is hard.  It is hard to try to understand how upside down Collin's world has become.  We have been essentially out of routine and living out of suit cases for 3 months.  And he misses his friends.

I realized today that though I really am trying to do well, there are some things I really need to do better.  I am always rushing Collin,  "Hurry!  We need to go!  Quick!  Get buckled!  Stop playing around and get done!  Go faster! Hurry hurry hurry! Put that down and let's go!"  Why? Why am I rushing us about?  I want to slow down.  I want to stop rushing his world and let him love it.  And I want to love it with him.  I mean in reality, isn't the reason we have to rush is because I slept too long, or spent too much time getting ready?  So often I am the root of the problem and yet he gets the brunt of it. 

Granted, I can also recognize that I am doing some of this right, too. I have a significant amount of stress to deal with, but I have stayed pretty calm for most of my Collin dealings.  And I have tried my best to show tenderness.  And to give big hugs and cuddles.

We had some rough spots today.  He had a melt down at the post office when he saw a Jack Sparrow birthday card that he insisted I buy for him.  He HAD to have it.  I was firm in my answer of "no." And I still feel that is the right answer.  He has this feeling that just because he wants something means he should get it.  I am a firm believer in kids hearing "no." But he was just so sad.  And he threw a big fit to prove it. In front of a rather large audience. And we had some conflict later as well.  But, I did one part right today.  After his teeth were brushed, I held out my arms to him.  He gave me a giant hug and told me, "Mom, you are so special to me!" and I dipped him down and started singing my song for him, Golden Slumbers.  And he sang with me with his little angel voice. We sang together and it was so lovely! And then I cuddled next to him for a silly story and stayed next to him while he feel asleep with my hand on his chest.  I could feel his heart beat and his lungs work and I marveled at my beautiful son. And I promised myself that I would try harder to be a better mom. And that I would do my best to slow down. 

It was rather appropriate then that I read in 3 Nephi 17 about when Jesus Christ gathers the Nephite children all around and blesses them and prays with them.  The spirit whispered to my heart, "See?  This is the reason you are here.  And those two boys of yours are your purpose!  Don't rush it!  Don't miss it.  Love them and be your best mom self." Christ gathers them all and then declares, "Behold your little ones!" Yes Liesel. Behold them.  Cherish them. The angels come down from the Heavens and encircle them.  And I can imagine the angels around my sweet boys.  I will do better.  I will do all I can to "behold" them. 

The Sunshine Through the Rain

Despite the uncertainty of our situation right now, we have had some incredibly happy moments in our little family.  Moments where I have realized that our happiness is not dependent on money or possessions or even our home.  Happiness is where my boys are. 

This afternoon it rained and rained.  Collin wanted to go jump on the trampoline.  And he kept asking.  I was feeling a bit down and didn't even consider the trampoline an option in the rain. But after awhile I realized how silly that was.  Why couldn't I go with Collin out in the rain?  Why would rain stop us from having fun together?  So without saying anything, and still in our church clothes, I scooped him up and started running for the back door.  "What are you doing Mommy? Where are we going?" I ran out across the grass and up onto the trampoline.  It had mostly stopped raining. He was delighted!  We jumped and water splashed and we slipped and laughed and got quite wet.  And it was such a beautiful moment. My dear Collin!  So much like me.  :) I was so grateful at that moment for him. For pulling me out of my sad place. For helping me see the sunshine through the rain. 

Daddy and Avind soon joined us.  Blake helped Collin out of his soaked church clothes in hopes of preserving them so Collin continued to jump in his red and blue Superman undies.  Oh, he was so cute!  I want to freeze that picture in my mind of him jumping and laughing in his undies.  Avind and I ran away from him and squealed. 

After awhile we got down and went to the swings under the beautiful big maple tree.  Collin was so happy.  He sat on the swing and I sat on the other.  Avind wanted a try, too.  I said out loud, "I never want to forget this moment.  This picture of Collin swing away in his undies, dragging his feet in the mud and loving it.  With Avind and Daddy close by.  And me feeling the mud under my feet."  Collin was gleeful and replied, "I will pray to God right now so that we will never forget this moment. Me, sittin' here and you on that swing. And we can remember it forever!  I am so happy Mommy! Thank you God! He must really love us." Yes, yes I think he must.  And I felt it today. 

The Wright and Left Brothers

My goodness.  Life is passing by and I haven't written it down! That is terribly sad considering what a tremendous experience we are passing through as a family. I think at times there is so much that I don't know what to write.  How could I possible capture it? And most of the time the problem is overwhelming tiredness.  But I felt an urgency this evening to write at least a little snapshot of our wonderful little people we get to call our own.  

Avind

• Our baby is already 15 months old and running all the time.  He understands so much now!  We are continuing to work on teaching body parts.  
• This little guy LOVES animals.   Any time he sees one, in real life, or in a book or on TV, he just lets out a happy yell and puts out his hand in the "I want that" signal that he made up on his own.  We have let him keep puppy(the stuffed one) keep him company in his crib and he will hug him and carry him around.
• For the first time last week Avind used "Momee/Dadee" It was sweet! 
• He has this highly entertaining speed walk/dance he does lately by swinging his arms side to side while he walks. It throws his entire balance off, which makes his hips wiggle and he looks just like he is speed walking with the best of the old people. 
• To get down the stairs in the Miller's home where we are staying he prefers the bum method to the slide down on stomach one.  And with each step he lets out a good, "Uh!" as he lands.  
• The trampoline has been a big hit with our kids.  I will take avind's hands and run backwards as he takes big, bounding running steps.  He giggles like crazy.  Yesterday I was on the hammock and the kids were around but suddenly I realized Avind was not near.  I sat up to look for him and didn't see him.  But I soon recognized a tiny body happily running circles on the trampoline all by himself
• Avi prays with hands folded and lets out an exuberant yell when we say "in the name of..." part because he knows that means it is when he will finally get his food.
• Today I wouldn't let him have another piece of watermelon until he ate his other food. Oh, you should have heard him telling me a thing or two. He was jabbering up all sorts of things.  But he did eat his food.  And I did give him another piece for it. 

Collin

• Just days before we moved out of our stillwood house we got to celebrate Collin's 4th birthday.  He chose months ago to have a Jack Sparrow/Pirates of the Caribbean Party and cake.  I was a little nervous about delivering, but we did well!  Of course it was really just a general pirate party but it was perfect.  I made my best cake yet.  It was a 3D pirate ship cake, complete with black sails so I could explain to Collin that it was the Black Pearl.  The best thing is that I finished the cake the night before the party.  And that resulted in the most enjoyable and relaxed party I have had as a mom yet.  

• The party even included a pirate ship pinata that was surprisingly sturdy and made it through three rounds of abuse before yielding its goodies.
• We had a family birthday dinner at Chuck E Cheese on the 21st and thoroughly enjoyed a last night out before the madness.  

• I was declared to be "the best mom ever!" when he opened his birthday present of revolutionary war toy soldiers complete with a George Washington figure and his white horse. These were the cause of intense tantrum at Yorktown Victory Center several weeks back when I told him he couldn't get them then and there.  Oh, what a fit it was!  With plenty of disapproving witnesses too. When he behaved so much better the next day there, I sneaked in and bought them for his birthday. You can bet he had a greater appreciation for those soldiers after all that!  It has been a present to me really as he has enjoyed many hours of self-entertainment. 

• He has played quite well with Avind on several occasions and told me the other day, "I love playing with Avi, mom!  He is so fun and cute!"
• Collin loves, LOVES the trampoline and hammock and toys here at the Millers.  He and I have spent a good amount of time on both.  The first day here we sat in the hammock and he said, "Let's spend the entire day in the hammock mom!  I just love it so much!"

• We had Collin's 4 year well-check at the Pediatrician on Monday.  He is 39 inches tall (30%) and 35 lbs (25% but 50% for his height).  I felt like it was a surprise parenting final exam for me!  Dr. Baker asked Collin all the questions such as, "So, Collin, what happens at your house when you do something you shouldn't?  What do mom and dad do?" That one caught my attention.  And "do mommy and daddy help you brush your teeth twice a day? What kind of food do you eat each day?" I think I passed!  But on a few of those I was a bit nervous how he would respond.  But it was all good.  :) Maybe he realizes how I love him after all.  
• He was terrified to get his shots.  It was a struggle to get him to even get into the car to go to the doctor's office.  When he realized it was time for the shots he hid under the chairs.  Poor kid.  I don't blame him.  But the nurse said she could easily give him shots down there.  He jumped up and said, "Hey, I know! I will just close my eyes and then it will be okay!" And he did.  He closed his eyes tight for each of the 3 shots and didn't even flinch or make a sound.  I was quite surprised and impressed.  He told Blake and I later that during the shot when he closed his eyes he thought of Lily for the one, and Mommy and Daddy together with him during the other. Oh my sweet boy.  He knows just how to make me feel good at this mom thing.  :)
• Yesterday we took a trip to Kitty Hawk to see the Wright Brothers Monument.  I loved it.  Collin had already been there twice with Papa.  When we got in the car he asked Blake, "So, what did you learn about the Wright Brother's Today?" When Blake returned the question after he answered, Collin replied, "I already know everything about them." Ha ha! Funny kid!  Especially when he still insists the "Left Brothers" must be on the other hill where we haven't been yet.  :)

• A frequent question lately from Collin is, "Why would God make __________(snakes, mosquitoes, cactus...) ?" or "Why does God want me to ______________________ (get hurt, be hungry, smash my finger...)?"  It makes for some fun conversations to be sure. 
• I decided to watch the Liberty's Kids shows with Collin starting at the beginning and I am really enjoying them!  It is neat to have the history portrayed in a simple but poignant manner. I have come to love our country more and appreciate the struggle it took.

What a blessing to have our boys. I love them deeply, dearly.

My favorite boy and I have been busy attempting to map out our future!  And we still don't know yet what it will be.  Can you believe that with just a week to study, and during our move nonetheless, Blake scored in the 99% on the verbal portion of the test, and in the 56% for the math? That is phenomenal!  I am so happy for him! Happy but not surprised.  Remember, I did scope out his test scores on that class list/report all those years ago on the first day of our Senior year.  And I was impressed enough to entertain him as a valid contender for my attention.  :) My early research has served me well.  :) Now, what we will do with that potential and awesomeness...TBA!

Our move was busy and hard and terrible and hectic and everything that moving is, no matter how prepared you think you are before hand.  But we did it.  And we had help.  I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of help we received.  So many came to our aid, and I don't think we could have done without any of them.  Despite the chaos the men got our stuff crammed into the 13ft we had paid for.  That was impressive!  The next day cleaning was just exhausting and never ending!  But worth the effort and we were told that the owners agreed to return our entire deposit.  Another blessing!

 We like to joke that the Miller home is essentially a vacation home!  And it feels like it.  What a yard to enjoy.  Blake and I sat out on the hammock Monday night and watched the sun set and saw a few late season fireflies search for "friends."  :) We are trying to earn our keep.  I used a riding lawnmower for the first time in my life as we tended to the yard.  I am very grateful to be here.

Concerning our future, I feel I can relate a little to Nephi in the book of Helaman. I have been reading in the BOM each day and his story is relative to how I feel.  The believers are going to be put to death for believing the words of Samuel the Lamanite because the non-believers feel like the day for the sign of Christ's birth has passed.  He goes out to pray to the Lord and he is there praying all day long. All day long.  He must have felt quite anxious!  They will die!  The very next day!  So, he prays and prays.  Finally, at the end of the day Christ speaks to him and assures him that the sign will be given the next day.  Talk about cutting it close!  But they made it.  The sign came and they were saved, delivered.  So, it's all good.  We will be just fine.  We will be "delivered" and figure out where to go and what to do.  I believe!  But maybe I need to spend some more time on my knees.  :)