Stuck

Warning: *This post contains an unusual amount of complaining.*

I am thoroughly frustrated. In the last year Blake or I or both have:

1. Answered phone calls
2. Cleaned a vacation home
3. Sold items from our home
4. Painted fingernails
5. Cleaned a Montessori School/4 times a year
6. Organized a youth Saturday soccer group
7. Worked full time, including 8 days of my summer vacation that was unpaid
8. Traveled around the entire state
9. Written two books
10. Created our own marriage blog
11. Created a consulting website

All these in an attempt to scrap together money enough. We have budgeted diligently and have finally saved enough to buy a house.

I am very grateful and very excited for said house.

But this is where the frustration begins:

You see, I am getting the baby bug. I would really love to think about baby 3. But how would we even afford that? All my sick days are used up...since I have kids that get sick. The 12 weeks is unpaid if you take them. Then there is day care costs: Two kids in daycare will cost $1500/month.
Then, the medical costs to have the baby: 25% of the hospital stay. Don't forget the diapers. That is a hole.

So, stay home you say...well, actually Blake's income is not enough so that can't work. And I want to keep working. I am a better mom. Maybe that is something I shouldn't admit, but me working is good for our family. I do wish I could do it part time...but then there is that darned money issue.

Additionally, I would really love to get a master's degree...it makes a huge difference in my pay scale over time...but that is $10,000. Not sure where that would come from. Needs to be done in the next 5 years because I need to have 6 credits in the next year to renew my license. Then the clock starts ticking.

Goodness, we are working so hard. I am not sure what else to do. Not sure where else to earn the money.

First world problems, I know. But they are still problems. And they still make me cry...because I shouldn't have to pour over the budget before thinking of whether a baby would cause us to be in the red.

Why is there no paid maternity in this country yet? Why do I have to base my decision to have a baby on whether we could live during the time I would be out? Why must I rush back into work if we do have a baby before I have had time to actually get any sleep? Why do we do this? What is wrong with our society that we don't support mothers who work? And fathers for that matter? You think maybe that might be important? Time with a new baby?

Why, with a 3.91 College GPA should I need to pay for my Master's Degree? I have worked hard. I should be eligible for some scholarship? Or a discount? A teacher who is committing so much of my energy to these kids?

Stuck. I feel stuck. Stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck. Stuck as a duck in the muck. That's a good kiddo book by the way. You should read it sometime. :)

Stay in this Little World

I have had so many wonderfully beautiful treasure moments in the last few months. I have been particularly reflective this week as we celebrated Avind's 3rd Birthday.

The night before his birthday I was holding him and as we cuddled I got sentimental and said to him, "Oh, my Avi! You are growing up so big! I will be so sad when you are all grown up and have to leave me."

So, this morning, 3 days later, I was carrying him as we got to school. He kind of whimpered for a moment so I asked him what was wrong. He squeezed tight into my arms and told me, "I don't want to grow up and leave you! I want to stay in this little world forever!" Melt my heart. Oh Avi! How I want you to stay in this little world forever, too!

A few favorites about Avi Bug:

• One of my all time Avi favorites is that he refers to day time as "Happy Time." He will get up in the morning and see that the sun is up and say, "Oh, yay! It is happy time!" Or when you try to get him down for a nap, "But I don't want to go to sleep! It is happy time!"
• He was beyond excited for his combined birthday party with his best buddy from school Toby. As each of his little friends showed up to the park he would bursting with joy and do almost a little happy dance. Each of them could hardly contain their excitement. And then it was so cute in a sad way to watch him experience, "post-party depression." "But I don't want my party to be over!"
• He is cruising on his balance bike! I am so pleased to see him get it. We went on a family walk on Tuesday and both boys rode their bikes the whole time. Blake got him some lightning McQueen knee and elbow pads and racing gloves. He was adorable racing around with them on riding his bike. 
• Avind's cake choice this year was a Woody cake...up until I was working on it when he decided he actually wanted a lightning cake. Too bad kiddo! Woody it was. He thought it was pretty cool, although he was a bit miffed that I did a headless Woody. I do what I can, ya know?
• He still clings to me every day that I drop him off at his school. He likes to grab my scarf in a death grip to force me to stay. I don't like leaving him, but I know he loves school. He has a great little troop of boys in his class that all get along well.

Now how about that big brother:

• Collin loves school. He just loves it. Makes me happy because I love school, too. When I step into his kindergarten class it just makes me feel deeply happy. I had a conference with his teacher, Mrs. Stuckman today and she was very complimentary. He is confident and excited about learning. I hope we can keep it that way! I know there is some criticism out there about public schools, and I am sure it depends a lot on where you live, but I am so pleased with Collin's experience this year. He is reading so well and he loves math, and he takes ownership in his artwork. He says PE is his favorite. The other day when I asked him what he learned he told me all about oviparous and viviparous animals and which were which. I teach biology and I didn't even remember all that. I also see how good it is for him to deal with some disappointments and challenges that come with school. He is learning how to get over them and move forward. He is also playing a lot of soccer! And often with bigger kids. It is good to have the challenge. I always tell him that I loved school so much that I never left. And that is why I am a teacher. He thought about that for a minute and said, "Well then maybe I will be a teacher, too." :)
• Collin's Lego skill has made it to a whole new level. He loves all things Star Wars, especially Lego star wars. He builds transporters, and tie fighters and x wings and pods and all sorts of things. And there are constant light saber battles in our home (Avind loves Darth Vador and runs around in his mask and cape saying, "No, I am your father!"
• Collin loves reading. We are still reading our Little House Books together. We also read several Star Wars books from his school library. He likes to find the words on the page that he recognizes. 
• We got Collin some new cowboy boots a few weeks back and he is just delighted. That is the first time we went out and bought him new, real boots. He runs out each morning to see if it is wet and muddy to determine if he should wear his new pair or his old boots. He loves to wear his red button up shirt, his cowboy hat (Thanks Papa!) and his boots. He and Hank have cowboy day at least once a week where they both show up at school in their full get up. 
• Collin is a good boy and a great brother. He is sensitive to our feelings. A couple months back I had an awful day at school and I just couldn't stop crying. When we got home I sat down and started crying again and Collin came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Do you need something Mom? What can I get for you?" He gave me a hug and said, "Do you need something to eat?" I laughed and said, "Yes. Cookies!" He laughed and said, "Well, we can probably figure that out." :) It is a beautiful thing to hear your child repeat the good things that you say to them. He often gives up something of his to Avi when he notices that it makes Avi sad not to have it. The most amazing thing is now starting to see Avind do the same thing. 
• Collin saved up his money and bought a rock mining kit the other day and was just giddy to have daddy help him chip away to find his gem stones. He was just fascinated with it. What a fun thing to buy. 
• One night I cuddled with my boys and told them funny stories of when they were babies. Oh, how we laughed together!

 So, there are the hard things going on, too. It is not all roses. But we are pretty great at remembering the good. And our life is very blessed and good.

We miss having Blake at home all the time. He travels across the State regularly for his job and we feel his absence. But when he is home, he is home. He contributes in so many ways so I don't feel like I am doing the house and parent thing all by myself. And he always always catches up on the dishes for me. Besides, he loves what he is doing. And he is good at it. He has his own personal consulting website up and going now, too. You can check it out at montanastrategicconsulting.com

We also bought a house! And our hobby is spending hours every Saturday checking out the progress and walking around our soon to be neighborhood. I just can hardly wait to be in our own home. I love love love seeing the boys dig in the dirt, light saber cut the tall prairie grasses, make mud ball, and their favorite, find rock crystals for their collections. It is so beautiful out there! We saw at least 4 dozen pheasants just down the road the other day and have seen several bald eagles. And the mountains are incredible.

Last thing for the day, I have been rehired for next year. Yay! We can live!  And I wish we could stay in this little world forever.