My Collin

What a busy time! School is in full swing and we are eating lots of chicken nuggets and pizza around here once again. It is so interesting though this year to feel like I want to be a teacher rather than thinking I have to be a teacher. I feel good at teaching (most days) and it is very fulfilling to do something you feel good at. I have learned to let go of the guilt, too. Though I am not with the kids all day, when we are together it is very valued. We had an awesome Labor Day weekend with each other.

So, with some time apart Collin and I have been able to come together. Interesting, yes? Granted, he still drives me crazy with his overreactions and inappropriate displays of unhappiness, but we have some seriously sweet treasure moments together.

Collin had his first day of kindergarten on Thurs. I found a teacher to fill in for me during first hour so I could be a part of the momentous occasion. Well, we ended up running late (surprised?) and were hustling just to get him there on time. And as we ran dragging the kids along I realized I had forgotten my phone aka my camera. Mom of the Year Award! Luckily Amanda was there to pick up my slack and shot some great pictures. I was certain I would have nothing to cry about, but there I was, tears dribbling down my face. Collin had no fear. He lined right up and went into class without a problem. I was very pleased.

Fast forward to the end of the day, we have arranged for Collin to ride the bus from Irving to the High School so he can ride home with me and Avi when I finish up. So, I was a bit nervous. I knew he would make it fine, and I really didn't think much about it until I went out to wait for his bus. I felt nervous knowing that he was on that bus without knowing a single person. And he was trusting that I would be there when it stopped. I went out a good 10 minutes early for good measure. And I paced back and forth. And then I saw bus 15 coming. And a little blond head with glasses sitting so seriously in the seat behind the bus driver. And my heart leaped! I was right at the door when the bus stopped. All the big kids got up to get out and after a few, the bus driver held them up to help Collin out. Oh, that moment when he saw me! His face lit up and he reached out, jumping into my arms and squeezed me tight and held me for several minutes. "Momma! You were here for me!" Heart melting. "Please be here every time I get off the bus!" I just clung to him and relished that feeling. He needed me. And I needed him. And I knew that it is all worth it, this parenting thing. I would do anything for that boy of mine.

We had another tender moment this evening together. Blake had traveled to Helena and was coming home late, so I was getting the kids into bed after a busy day. After PJ's were on, I sat with Collin to read some more of "On the Shores of Silver Lake" the 5th book in the Laura Ingall's Little House series. We have read through the first 4 books together over the last 9 months and I love it. There are so many great life lessons to learn from these books! Today as we read, I glanced ahead and realized that Laura's faithful Bulldog Jack dies. I got emotional, because I always do with things like that and Collin realized it. "Is he going to die?' he asked. I kept on reading and when we got to the part, he scrunched up his face and cried like he had just lost his own dog.  I held him as we sat there together crying about Jack. And I felt so grateful that reading has become such a powerful tool for my Collin. It has created an entire world for him, real enough that he can feel the sorrow in it. What an amazing gift to have. The love of reading. :) He was able to calm down and beg for me to keep reading. He knows I love it as much as he does and can usually persuade me to go a few more pages than promised.

One last tender moment: I put on my watch this morning and realized the battery was dead. I placed it on the counter and told the kids, "Oh no! My watch battery is dead. I won't need to wear it now." Collin promptly jumped down off the stool, ran to his room, and came back with his Star Wars Storm Trooper watch. "Here mom. You can use my watch." :) and I did, all day long. And every time I looked at it, I thought, "I am one lucky Momma!"

Late Night Musings

Oh, August, how have you snuck up on me?

I have a goal someday to love the month of August...but I am not there yet. It means summer is coming to a close, yet it feels like it just began. It is akin to the feeling you get on Sunday evening. The weekend is over and now it is back to reality.

And with my teaching job just around the corner, it brings my bouts of teaching dreams and first day of school anxieties. Makes me wonder if I will ever get used to it and not be nervous for school. You never realize as a student that your teachers may be just as, if not more nervous than you. In fact, it happens to be why I am awake at 3:30 a.m. this morning. In addition to the usual stress, this year poses a set of new challenges for me. I will be teaching a science class at the alternative high school program and 2 periods of biology for students who struggle significantly with low reading levels. I want to be a good teacher. I want to inspire these kids and be a positive influence. I want to change their lives. But I fear my limitations. I don't know what to expect and sometimes the unknown is debilitating. I hope and pray that I will be the best teacher I can be. And that that will be enough.

Additionally, parenting has posed its challenges and I feel woefully inadequate. I have this brilliant and tricky little 5 year old who is testing my patience in every way, it seems. It is the kind of situation that causes me to jolt awake and think, "How did I mess up again with him? What do I do differently?" When I tossed and turned for an hour in bed tonight, I decided to try sleeping on the couch for a change of scenery. As I made myself comfortable, I felt a little lump under my back and pulled out Collin's Georgie. Georgie is a little Curious George doll that Collin received for Christmas a few years back with a Curious George pancake book. I always thought it was interesting that of all the plush and fancy stuffed animals and dolls he had, this is the one he latched on to. He came up with the name, "Georgie" and he would clutch the doll as he fell asleep and rub his "owie finger" to feel it catch on George's shirt while he sucked his thumb. There was complete devastation the time we accidentally left Georgie in DC on a family trip.

So, I pulled Georgie out from underneath me and I felt a wave of, what? Saddness, regret, disbelief, inadequacy? I know I can't kick myself for all my mistakes as a mother, but I just had a moment of pain as I realized that my little boy is already 5. I only get that 2 and a half more times and he is out on his own. I want to sneak into his room and pull his little body next to me and just take a moment to appreciate him, for all that he is. And I want to know what I need to do to make it better for us. I held Georgie and thought of how quickly little Collin has changed, just a little every day until I don't remember the little version anymore. And oh, how I want to do better for that boy of mine. It is just that I am not sure how. He is certainly a strong willed child with the amazing ability to push my buttons, coupled with an incredible vocabulary and memory. And if I can't manage my child, how can I manage a classroom of at risk high school kids? That is why I can't sleep.

But, let's end on something positive. We have done some good things this summer. And I am very grateful for the time I have had to be home with the kids. Some of our adventures include:

• Swimming lessons- which actually for Avind seems more like a form of torture. He was actually quite delighted the first day, but I feel has digressed since then. You should hear his screams echo off the walls of the indoor pool. I wasn't going to sign him up for a second round, but he begged me for lessons...go figure! Collin is my water lover, which makes me so happy, since I love water too. He swims quite well and loves his swim lessons. We both miss the beach and our VA neighborhood pool. And warm enough weather to swim in. 
• Lunch dates with Daddy- we love to sit in his new office and the kids love to play on the paint/drawing program on his computer and go for a "wittle walk" as Avi says. 
• Soccer- Blake and I played on an Adult Co-ed Soccer team and we brought the kids along on several occasions. I loved to hear them cheering for us. :)
• Hikes- There are the most beautiful hikes here in Bozeman. And there are so many to explore! Collin can usually make it about a mile up and back without too much complaining. Avind gets carried along in the Ergo but often whines to get down so he can then wrap up both of your legs and insist that you carry him, not in the carrier, but in your arms.
• Cookie baking and pancake making- which means a lot of flour all over, and demands for more sugar to eat.
• Stewart's house- Collin said to me last week, "Mom, can we do something fun today?" I answered, "Yeah! Let's do something fun. What do you think? What should we do?" He quickly replied, "Let's go to Hank's house!" :) And I don't blame him. The Stewart's house has about everything you could ever want. Lot's of open space, a trampoline, a pool, swing set, yummy food, and great people. We have spent a significant amount of time there. And we love it.  
• Car washing- I was able to deep clean both cars, inside and out thanks to the use of the Stewart's drive way and supplies. Avind loved to hose down the car, and Collin thoroughly enjoyed the freedom to play with Hank around the yard and in their pool while I was busy.
• Gardening- The Stewart's also have a garden that I have helped with. I love working in the garden and coming home covered in dirt, with nails that are brown for a week strait.
• Play dates- We have spent time with many friends and Collin was especially excited to visit Sam's house the other day. 
• A trip to Utah- We went to the Zoo and Seven Peaks, (which Collin loved-Avind, not so much) and we got to meet Baby Bradley and watch Blake bless her. 
• A visit from Omi and Papa- We got to show them our favorite hiking spots and took a trip to Cody to see where Papa grew up. We got to spend 3 days on a dairy farm and learned so many cool things. I got to milk a cow for the first time ever and we each got to drive a tractor. It was pretty awesome. We also explored Yellowstone together and saw some Bison.
• Collin's 5th birthday- We had a small celebration at home with Omi and Papa on his actual birthday and then had a "Secret Agent" party at the park with his friends. It was a perfect day and we had a fun time training to be secret agents and going on a secret mission. 
• Bike riding- One of my Summer goals was to teach Collin to ride his bike without training wheels. Apparently he was ready because it took him about 20 minutes to figure it out. He didn't quit even once as he fell again and again. He just kept trying. It was one of those things I expected to take time and it happened so fast. And Avind got some cowboy boots this summer and when he wears them his legs are finally long enough that he can peddle on his tricycle. He won't pedal for long, but he is catching on.
• Shopping trips- Costco is always a favorite thanks to samples. Avind will see the next sample stand and yell, "More samples!" I love how his little voice cracks lately. I often have to ask him to say something 3 or 4 times before I can make out what he is actually saying. I will sometimes ask him to show me, and lately after I ask him what he said the second time he says, "show you, Mom." :)  
• Movie dates- We got to go to the theater for a $1 kids show on Collin's birthday, which was super fun. Hank and Collin laughed together and Avind cuddled on my lap the whole time. We have also rented several movies for Family Movie Nights at home.
• Reading- Collin and I are slowly moving through reading lessons for him, but my favorite has been reading the "Little House on the Prairie" series with Collin. We both love them, and they teach great life lessons. 
• Chores- The kids have set chores this summer and though Collin is not pleased, sometimes he does get in the mood and tells me, "hey, this is actually fun!"
• BBQ's- We have had our fair share of hotdogs and hamburgers. We even got our own little portable grill. And we have had plenty of watermelon, which Avind loves.
•  Lego building- Collin got a lego model for his Birthday so we put a lego treehouse together. It is pretty awesome. 

I look at that list and go, "See self, awake at 4 am. You are doing a good job. You are a good mom." :) I have a feeling I will be a tired mom today. One last thing I have to capture about Avind. He loves to say, "Mommy, I hun-ga-ry. Really, really, really hun-ga-ry!" It cracks me up every time. And when he says, "Watah Bottle" he sounds like a little German boy. :)

Well, perhaps I will see if I can get an hour or two of sleep in now. I do feel better. I am a lucky Momma. 

Happy Summertime!

Happy Summertime!

I have had the blessing of enjoying the last two weeks at home with the kiddos. It is amazing how precious this time is to me.  I dread how fast it will go, but I am trying to not live that way. I am doing my best to cherish the moments. 

The first thing I have to say about this summer is...I miss air conditioning.  :) And I am a bit cranky when I am hot. The temps have been into the upper 90's this week, which isn't that bad considering I grew up in Southern Utah, but there, we had air conditioning. I still don't quite understand why in this modern day and age Montana homes and condos are not equipped with central air. It may only be hot 2-3 months out of the year, but it is still hot. I finally found a portable unit on Craigslist for $150 that we have in our room. I spent much of today in there trying to stop being grumpy. Still with being on the third floor and with windows facing directly west it can only cool down to about 80 degrees in the early evening. I know, I know, people used to endure it and in some places they still do. I just wish I didn't have to.  :)

The second thing I have to say is...I love being home. It is still challenging to be with the kids all day long and I still find myself impatient, but I have spent some great quality time with them. And know I really appreciate it. The first week I kept track of what we did together because I was just so excited to do normal mom things like go to the library in the middle of the day, or spontaneously go to the park. Last week things got a bit busier because I signed the kids up for swim lessons. One other note about Montana: It is so hot, so my thought is, go swimming! However, despite the hot days, the water is still quite frigid! Makes for discomfort all around. But the lessons have been good. Summer should always include a good dose of swimming.

Let's see, other fun things we have done:
Helped plant a garden at the Stewarts'
Swam at the beach (A sandy area of the small reservoir in town)
made Cookies
Made pancakes
made a father's day cake
several bike rides
Fixed my wedding ring
fixed the computer
Shopped at Walmart
Shopped at Cosco
Helped put up the Stewart's pool
Babysat some friends kids
Played lots of soccer
Had a ward bbq
Went on a FHE hike
Had a lunch date with Daddy.

A few kid updates:

Collin
This boy loves the water. He is really enjoying his swim lessons. No matter where we are, if there is water, he is in it. Like his Momma.  We are doing reading lessons everyday and he is very bright. It is a bit slow for him at the moment and he gets a bit restless so I am trying to find ways to expend that energy before lessons. He and Avind play well most of the time, but I often hear him turn on the scolding voice and he sounds exactly like me. Today he did something that could have hurt Avind and when I stopped him and talked with him, he cried like his little heart was broken. I am grateful for a tender boy. He is very creative and recently made a car out of a box. He is missing his friends from school but is a good sport about spending time with his mom.

Avind
I LOVE this age! 2 years old is so fun. He is beyond cute and his sweet little cheeks are so kissable. His hair has gotten very blond with all our time in the sun and his little arms and face are tan. He loves to dance and play with his favorite toys which he often stores in "mines backpack". Instead of my or mine he says "mines" and it is so cute I don't even correct him. He is piecing together 8-12 word sentences all the time now and has a great understanding of what we tell him. He still loves to make people laugh and he is my cuddler. After naps he just wants to be held for a few minutes, and then he is off ready to play. He has enjoyed his swim lessons quite a bit too, which I was pleasantly surprised about. But when the water is too cold, he wants out. Must take after Daddy. :)

Speaking of Daddy! Blake has landed himself a new job! We did a presentation at church about strengthening marriage through overcoming pornography the last Sunday in May and afterward, a member of the bishopric found me and asked, "How attached is Blake to his current job?" He proceeded to ask Blake to apply for a position as the Associate Director position at the Local Government center at MSU. And after just a few weeks and a few interviews, and a good healthy Blake dose of "I am not going to get the job, they will hire someone else," he got it! He is really excited and I feel like this is a job he will really enjoy and feel truly utilized and vested in.  We have been tremendously blessed.

One last thought, I gave the lesson in Young Women's last week and was very open with them about their choice in marrying. I talked about how we so often make a "list" and try to fit in the perfect man. We all envision a Captain Moroni. But I talked about how there are Almas and Sons of Mosiah types out there too and they need to realize that life is about progress and they need to be prepared to love someone who may have made mistakes before. I talked about Blake and I working through his struggles with pornography and I felt like it was a good thing for them to hear. Our YW president thanked me for being real with the girls and really teaching them a realistic view of their future. I want them to realize that all the happiness in the world can be theirs, but it will take work and commitment. And if they are prepared, they are more likely to succeed. I feel like that is my purpose in YW at this time. We have a need to be more transparent and clear with the youth, and I feel like I am playing a role in that cause.

Well, I just remembered that I am going on an early morning hike with my friend Leah tomorrow so, I best be off to bed! Yay for more summertime!

Pretty Momma

Ah life!  So busy and so tiring and so good. I often feel that I am barely staying above water. If I stop swimming I will sink for sure. In the last few weeks we have added a few more activities to our already full schedule. But I am so blessed!

I know that Blake treats me well when the boys start picking up on the complements and start using them. Avind has regularly started calling me, "Pretty Momma" and "bamamam momma"(Bahama Momma). Just yesterday I was signing with the radio after pulling into the Target parking lot for our Saturday adventure and Collin told me, "Mommy, you look so pretty today. And you are singing so pretty, too." I love love love having my boys.  For awhile I was very disappointed that our life circumstances didn't warrant having another baby sooner. But lately I have enjoyed tremendously focusing my time on Collin and Avind.  They are so fun right now and I can really take time to enjoy them. It is a good fit for us to wait for a little while for the next baby.

So...Avind is Two!  We celebrated his birthday last month and as you can imagine, he was very excited.  Blake and I were actually out of town on his birthday, so we told him it was the next day and celebrated together then.  He loved his Thomas birthday cake. We also learned that he eats the frosting and has no interest in the actual cake part. We had just a few friends over and it was nice to keep it small and much less stressful. He got several books and his very own Mickey doll which he adores.  Just yesterday we used his birthday money from Omi and great g-ma and g-pa to get a Woody action figure. He has added Toy Story and Woody to his favorites list. I love to watch his imagination develop!

He also named his first objects this last month.  His horse that he got for Christmas he has named, "White One" and his blue race car is "Blue Race Car." So not super original but I love the monumental moment when they name something.  Avind is at a wonderfully fun age. He likes to run more and will take off running at a park and get all the way across it before I even realize he is gone.  It means lots of running for me, too. We had one last big snow storm in April and I got out of work early to the kids sledding.  I finally got Avind to sled with me and like it.  And then I locked my keys in the car...yeah, that made for a long, cold evening.  Good thing Amanda was there to save us!

Collin has started T-ball and this year he has some really great coaches that make me feel like he is actually learning something. I am a proud Mom when I see him sprinting around the bases.  He has such amazing running  form for such a little guy! I guess he always has.

And since we have so much free time, we have started a Saturday soccer league for kids 4-6. We found out a few months ago that the only soccer league here in Bozeman, The Blitz, plays all their little kid games on Sundays. I was so bummed out! After sulking for a few days, I decided we would do something about it. We made our own league which we call MoSoc, Mom Soccer, or really Mormon Soccer since everyone playing is LDS. It has made life crazy busy, but it was so empowering to do something and make a difference.  We have 20 kids playing with us each Saturday and it is a blast.

The weekend of Avind's birthday Blake and I drove down to SLC for the Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference. It was a great experience for us to go and network and get some ideas for how to improve our website couplesagainstpornography.org. I got so fired up to continue reaching out to help couples who are in the trenches fighting for their marriages. Blake has finished his first book manuscript and we are hoping to get it up on Amazon within the next two weeks.  Ya know, we have lots of free time so we decided to start writing books, too. :) We just can't imagine not sharing what we have learned through our experiences in fighting pornography together. If we can help even one other couple it makes the pain and struggle of our experience that much more worth it.

We did have a bit of a down week when Blake got pulled into the HR office at his work. They informed him that someone from his office had approached them concerned about him because they had seen his FB page, viewed our website, and found out he was a recovering "porn addict." They said he needed to be careful in order to not jeopardize his current position.  That was serious blow for us. I was saddened that the person had missed the whole purpose of our website of fighting to destroy pornography use. Blake explained what our website was about and HR seemed to accept that, but it was certainly unsettling for us to think that shame factor is still so prevalent. How can people get help if we continue to shame them? We certainly are on a mission to change that.  

I had my own emotional roller coaster as I waited to hear if I would have a teaching job next year. I found out on Monday that they have hired me for another year. And thankgoodness I will not have to teach Physical Science anymore. I had only planned to work for 3 months when this all started, but we have felt directed to have me teach another year. My attitude towards working has changed. I can let go of the guilt now and accept the role as a working mom for now. I realize that I am still a good mom, and maybe even more so sometimes. I am grateful for my 20 year old self who chose a teaching degree! Because even though I am working full time, I will get 2 months of summer to spend with the kids.  And I am going to love it. 

I have had a few homesick for Virginia days here and there, missing the abundant flowers and green.  But I have found some things I love about Montana.  I LOVE the long, sunny days.  It is only May and yet it is light until 9:30. And we can open the doors and window without the mugginess and stickiness and the bugs.

It is shaping up to be a wonderful summer.  Four more weeks of school! Yay!!!!!

Best Week Ever

If you had asked me last year at this time what would constitute the best week ever I would have thought of a vacation or a week with time to do all sorts of projects at home by myself.  Funny how when circumstances change, you find yourself changing, too.  Spring break was the best week ever simply because I was home with my boys all week with nothing else that I had to do. And I am so in love with them.  I was already mourning on Wednesday because it meant we were already more than half way through.  Monday came all too soon and I was at work once again.

I find it interesting that without this new experience of working I wouldn't feel this way.  I used to begin my week with a bit of dread wondering how to be a good mom and feel excited about the monotony of it all.  Now, I relish the moments with them.  Don't get me wrong, I still look at the clock and wonder what in the world I am going to do with them all day, but it is not with trepidation.  Being with them is a gift and I can appreciate that gift because I work.

The week was full of pancake making, bubble blowing, shopping, going for walks and runs, playdates, trips to the park, cuddling, reading, cooking, hiking, laughing and loving.  It was also fabulous to have my evenings free.  I generally have papers to grade, lessons to read over and plan, or emails to respond to.  It was incredible to have so much time.

Collin requested walkie talkie pancakes.  I was proud of myself for delivering!

Avind likes to eat with two utensils and he bangs them on the counter to make lots of noise.

Super heroes!

The Power Rangers

Hiking with Daddy

It was a perfect day to hike!

One day we made cars for the boys out of cardboard boxes and then watched Tangled together.  They were so adorable sitting in their cars.

They sat in these "cars" every time we watched a show for the next two weeks.

 I couldn't take enough pictures of them. We finished the movie in the evening together as a family and it surely was a treasure moment sitting all together with Collin laughing at the little jokes and Avi explaining in his simple words what he saw happening.  Ah.  I would rather be there at that moment than anything else in the world.  

Since I have had a chance to spend such a great amount of time with them, let me update you on my boys:

Avind

• This is the best age! In just the last week or two he has really caught on to putting words together into 3-4 word phrases.  Some of my favorites are:
• Help me please!
• Hands dirty! (This is one he says a lot.  He hates having dirty hands.  If we don't get to him quickly, he says it over and over with an increase in volume and desperation each time until we get to him)
• Let me in please!
• Clean it
• Cut it please 
• Avi's turn
• Happy birthday to you cake!
• He loves when I make pancakes. Almost every morning he begs me to make them for breakfast.  (Which, btw, whenever he is hungry he asks for breakfast). He especially loves that I made him "Di Mouse!" pancakes.  He likes "butter!" and syrup on them and all cut up. 
• He wants Blake and me to sing songs about "thomas! choo choo" and mickey for bedtime.  If you are not paying attention to him, he grabs your face in his hands and puts his lips right on yours so you cannot talk and whispers "choo choo!"
• He loves to be funny and tries to make everyone laugh.
• He is defiant! The other day I was making dinner and he continued to put the fridge farm toy pieces in the kitty water.  I told him to stop several times and finally grabbed his arm to stop him.  He still flung the toy towards the water so I swatted his behind and told him to go to time out.  He began his way out of the kitchen with his pouty face and changed his mind after about 3 seconds.  He turned around and marched right back into the kitchen with his arm up to swat me back. The look on his face was priceless. :)
• He is so excited for his birthday.  I started telling him a few weeks ago that his birthday is in April and that he will be turning two.  We then celebrated my birthday and went to a birthday party that Collin was invited to.  Avind now cannot wait for his birthday, especially the cake.  He talks about his "thomas choo choo take" all the time.  And he insists we sing happy birthday to him regularly.  
• He is hungry!  That boy is starting to eat.  It is funny because he is so little.  We took him to the doctors last week because he had a fever of 104.  They weighed him at 20lbs.  

He ate the entire thing.  And then ate some of mine.  And Blake's.

"Hands! Dirty!"

Collin

Collin loves his Flight Jacket!

Oh my big boy. His is ever inquisitive and wondering.  If he has a question and you do not answer it in a timely manner, he will ask again. And again. And again. And again for good measure.  Sometimes when I answer he assures me that I am actually wrong and he knows the right answer. Some of our oldest's fun highlights:

• He is on a power rangers kick which is unfortunate for the rest of us.  :)  He now has added red as a favorite color because he wants to be the red ranger.  Fits his personality actually.  He has made us each power ranger cards with our symbol and color on it.  I am yellow in case you were wondering.  
• We had a fun conversation the other day when he asked, "Does it hurt when you have a baby?"  I assured him that it does, but that it is okay because I am strong and it is worth it.  The next day the question was, "why does it hurt?"  I explained that the baby comes out of an opening that is usually much smaller than the baby and the muscles have to work hard to push it out.  Naturally, the next question was, "Where is the opening?" :)  I am not too surprised we are already having this discussion.  Collin and I talk a lot about our special bodies and our special private places.  It was very natural to talk about something as special as having a baby.  So, I told him the opening was where mommy's special private place was. He was nodding as he said, "Ah. Okay!" I took a minute to talk about how cool that was and he said, "Well, boys are still cool because I can run faster than you."  I am glad he has some consolation! And I am glad I can be teaching my son about something so wonderful. 
• We are still working through reading "Farmer Boy" the second book in the Little House series.  I love sitting and reading together.  He likes to pick out the words he can read on his own.  
• He is a very giving boy.  He is thoughtful and kind.  He helps Avind out and shares his candy with us freely.  He finds such joy in giving us part of what he has.  We bought him a pez dispenser with some refills and he loves it.  But you know what he did? He gave Blake and I each a pack of our own.  I am continually impressed with his graciousness. 
• He is also very obsessed with money.  He is always talking about the money he has and the money he is going to get. I hope we can harness that and teach him to work hard!
• He likes to get himself dressed in the mornings.  And he always tucks his shirt in.  Lately he wants to do his hair every day so he can look like the red ranger.
• He spends about an hour in the bathroom when he has to go because he starts playing.  I can hear him making up all sorts of stories.  
• He likes school.  I am so glad.  And I love when I am on my way to my classroom and I can see him outside playing.  I knock on the glass and he looks so happy when he sees that it is me.  We wave and blow kisses to each other.  He has such a sweet little handsome smile when he sees me.  

Quite a view from here!

I am counting down to summer vacation.  10 more weeks!  And I can be mom full time again for awhile.  It's gonna be awesome.  :)

Avi's sweet face

I am so so so so busy.  Today was one of those days where I feel like I am doing everything half way.  That can be so discouraging.  But, this evening I got to spend a few precious minutes with Avind, and it totally made my day. 

We had put the kids to bed but after about 20 minutes Avind started crying.  And his is the heart wrenching version in case you wanted some good justification as to why I went in.  He wanted Daddy, but I guess I was an acceptable alternative.  I got him out and held him on my chest as I sat on the floor with my back against the bed.  Collin was softly snoring already so I didn't worry about waking him.  Avind wanted his "manket" so we got it out and snuggled on the floor.  His littleness was so amazing to me.  He fit right in my arms and molded into my body as we cuddled.  He was pretty awake so we played quietly for a bit as I tried to catch his little hands.  He would giggle softly and try again to trick me.  His soft hair is getting long- I am never quite sure how to cut it-and it reminded me of a baby ostrich's hair the way it fanned up.  I ran my fingers through it again and again, trying to memorize the feel and his smell.  Oh, he is growing up so quickly!

I feel the pain of missing his everyday activities as I work, but I also recognize the sweetness of our limited time together.  Oh, how I cherish those moments!  Avind loves our "unch dates!" and asks for one every day.  He thinks he is so funny when he leans back and says, "oh, man!" and waits for us all to laugh so he can do it again.  He loves to be funny.  Yesterday I took the kids to the track meet at the high school and when a race would finish he would yell, "more running! Set, go!"

After a little while I knew he needed to get sleep, so I laid him in his crib and put his blanket over him.  I asked him to show me his happy face. I wish I could burn that beautiful image in my mind.  His soft, perfect face in the low light, grinning at me.  That is what makes life worth living-his smile.  We made mad faces and sad faces and surprised faces at each other, too. And after a few belly rubs, I had him tell me, "see ya later alligator" which came out "yi ya ter alita."

R&R

Good morning! A morning that I got to sleep in.  Ah! It was so lovely! That is something I don’t get to do very often.  It is so beautiful and yet, so lonely at the same time.

I am on a week vacation without my family.  Miracles have fallen into place to let me come and be here in Los Angeles.  Heike sent me and our former BYU roommates a message a few months ago proposing an “epic” 30^th birthday get together aka a girl trip on a cruise.  I considered our situation and closed the computer without responding.  There was no way in our current circumstance that I could afford that.  But Blake saw the email and made the choice for me.  He insisted that I go, and he would find a way to make it happen.  I am so grateful that he did!  What a blessing to have a husband who is so ready and willing to put my happiness before his. I responded that I was in!

I had some doubts however when I researched plane ticket to LA from Bozeman.  They were consistently $500 or more and I knew we couldn’t afford that.  I ignored the problem for a few weeks. We were able to use a voucher Blake received this summer when flying to buy his ticket to St. George for Amberly’s sealing.  While Blake was getting his $500 ticket for free, I felt frustrated about my ticket prospects.  As I showered that evening, I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father about everything we were working so hard on.  I expressed my gratitude for being in Bozeman and for everything that had fallen into place for us to be there.  I then prayed for his blessing to find a cheaper plane ticket to LA so that I could take a much needed vacation. As soon as I got out of the shower, I got on the computer and began another plane ticket search. After some time, guess what I found?  J A plane ticket to LA for $210. 

I know there are many who would consider that a lucky break, but I know better.  That was an answer to my prayer.  I felt Heavenly Father’s love for me at that moment and I knew that I was important to him.  This trip was not the most important thing going on in the world, but it was very important to me.  And He blessed me with that ticket.

I cried while I bought the ticket.  It wasn’t a red eye or a 3 stop ticket either.  It left early morning and had a layover in Salt Lake where we got Heidi on the same ticket to fly to LA from there.  And then has a direct flight home leaving just an hour before Heidi will leave to get home.  It was amazing. A real miracle.  The next day when I pulled up the same ticket, it was priced at $480. And that is how I was able to come here. Heike also got an amazing deal on a cruise that will go from LA to Catalina Island, Ensenada, and back.  It all came together for us.  How blessed and loved I feel!

Our plane got into LA yesterday morning.  I only got a few hours of sleep the night before, so I got quite ill with all the turbulence.  Ya know, I just don’t love flying.  I love to get to new places, but man, I hate being on the plane.  Yesterday was worse than usual and I felt quite silly that I was sick most of the day.  I learned a few things however:

1. I should always get lots of sleep the night before flying or I will be very nauseous.

2. Dramanine puts me right to sleep

3. My friends are awesome because they had a good laugh with me instead of making me feel pathetic.  J

I will get a chance to spend the afternoon with Shawn after church and we embark on the cruise tomorrow afternoon. 

So! Now, time for kiddo updates.  I am months behind, but better now than never. 

Collin

I just can’t believe how our little baby is now such a big boy.  He was thrilled to get a hotwheels track for Christmas along with his favorite present of all, a scriptures case with a Book of Mormon with his name on it.  He loves to carry it around and then look through his scriptures and have us help him determine the chapter and verses he is on.  He also got the whole set of Little House books that both he and I have enjoyed reading together. 

Collin and I have started having a lunch date once a week at school.  He gets really excited and I love how he will run to me when I come to pick him up.  We eat yummy things, like veggie sticks, and watch videos from Youtube on how different things are made.  This week we found out about pepperoni and tortilla chips.  We also used a microscope to see different cells.  He hides under my desk when anyone shows up in my office. 

Collin is a fantastic brother and is always telling Avi, “You are the only baby I need!”  And, “He is just so cute!” They play really well together.  Collin will ask Avind. “Do you want to play in the loft with me?”  and Avi will nod his head and run up with Collin.  Collin is still a tender heart, too.  He genuinely feels bad if he does something to make his brother cry and does what he can to make it better.

Collin and I had a movie date the night before I left and watched “Kung Fu Panda.” We cuddled up together and I loved to hear him laugh.  When I carried him to bed he told me, “I wish you weren’t going mama, cause I like you best.”  J  My sweet boy!

Avind

We like to call Avi our menace.  He loves to make a mess.  You should see him in action when he gets upset about something.  The other day, he wanted some cereal and got upset with how long it took to get it.  By the time Blake filled his bowl, he was quite unhappy and started swinging his bowl in an attempt to throw the cereal around.  Blake got a hold of the bowl, too, to try to stop it.  I watched Avind in almost slow motion, his face scrunched up in his efforts to teach us a lesson.  He is so funny!  And exasperating! He poured out all my salt on the counter, smeared yogurt on our couch, and threw and crunched cherrios all over our floor in a weeks time.  When he gets in trouble he self imposes time out and puts his head on the wall with a scowl on his face.  J

He is also our cuddler. He would love to be held and rocked to bed each night.  Or have his belly rubbed for an hour while he drifts off.  I had to wean him over the last few weeks and I am so sad!  I love nursing my baby!  I am not even sure how to describe how he says “milk.” It is this glutteral sound that only he can do.  But I love it.  I am going to miss holding him and watching him nurse.  He would hold my breast with both hands while nursing.  I cried Friday when I nursed him for the last time.  How is it already time to be done with that? 

Avind has an infectious smile and loves to be silly.  He does things deliberately to make us laugh. He loved Thomas the train, Mickey, and books.  And still likes to suck his thumb.  I hate missing so much time during the day with him, but I love when he runs to me when I visit him. 

Blake and Liesel

We are not kiddos, but I wanted to put our update in, too.  We have spent a lot of our spare time (Ha! Spare time!) building our new website couplesagainstpornography.com.  It has been a long plan in the making, but we finally did it.  We have been so amazed at the emails and messages we have gotten from so many thanking us for what we are doing.  It has been amazing to see our difficult trial become a way to help and lift others.  I love it!  I am so proud of Blake and his willingness to put himself out there to help others.  We are hoping a few books will follow soon.  When we have more spare time we will get to it.  J

I also decided to continue working for the rest of the year.  It was a hard decision, but I had to work at something to make ends meet and it seemed if I kept on, the kids would continue the routine they already have.  I am grateful to have good coworkers that make working a positive experience and to have the kids so close by.  Blake’s work has been especially busy too the last few weeks, but he also feels he is blessed to work with great people. 

We celebrated Blake’s 30^th birthday last week.  He and I had a special date night out to a nice restaurant and enjoyed a cheese board and dessert board.  Oh, it was delicious!

Well, I can hear the others up.  I miss my family, but am excited to have an adventure!