I am enough

It was a difficult day for me today. I felt the weight of feeling like I was being a teacher halfway and being a parent halfway. I ache for the ability to work part time so that I feel little bit more in control of my time together with my children. I feel like I do my best to try and plan for teaching but that never is time to plan. I really feel like I'm winging it so often and sometimes the worst thing is that I feel like it's unfair to my students. I feel like they could get a better experience with a more capable teacher. I guess it's not being capable that's the problem it's just that I feel like I don't have the time to really do my best.

I walked the kids down to pick up the car half a mile away after work only to discover I had no keys. It was a beautiful day to be out walking but it was tiring to add that much time to getting home.

I treated the boys to eating at McDonald's and it was truly delightful. I can still see Avon in my mind eating his french fries one at a time and after every single fri the exclaiming joyfully "mmmmmmmm!"

They were so beautiful sitting there. Makes me afraid to miss so many moments with them. And yet I can recognize that those moments are precious because I don't have them all the time. I remember being home and not being able to enjoy those times because of the exhaustion of mothering for 24 seven. 

   I walked my boys home and we made a cookie dough shake together at the bar in our little Bozeman "cabin" here and i did cherish that moment. It was beautiful.

I did another good mom thing. I sat down on the middle of the floor with them and played hungry hippos. it only took five or 10 minutes and I laughed with them and played with them. Felt good then. But the challenging thing with being a mom is the kids don't stop when you need them to. And getting them to bed was exhausting and infuriating. I don't think they finally fell sleep until about 930. 

And then I came upstairs and just cried. I don't know how to do more. I don't know how to accept less. I crave staying home part time but I also dream of having our own home. I don't know how to make both work. I don't know what the answer is. Blake and I talk about him trying to do consulting as a side business to increase our income but it's hard to have him gone from home so often. 

I called Blake up and cried to him and he was good and listened to me and loved me. I then started reading the book daring greatly by Brene Brown. It was exactly what I need to read. And her big message was for each of us to end the day with the saying "I am enough." So I guess as I get ready to sleep tonight I need to tell me that myself that. I am enough. And I am doing all that I can. And it has to be enough. I also had some good insights to what I've been teaching about in Nephi during Sunday school about opposition in all things. As we are vulnerable, we feel. And we don't get to choose what we feel. If we want to feel joy we have to feel pain. I also had a great insight that religion is not certainty. It is uncertainty. That's why we need faith. It help me to realize that I can continue to have faith despite not knowing. And it is enough.