Late Night Musings

Oh, August, how have you snuck up on me?

I have a goal someday to love the month of August...but I am not there yet. It means summer is coming to a close, yet it feels like it just began. It is akin to the feeling you get on Sunday evening. The weekend is over and now it is back to reality.

And with my teaching job just around the corner, it brings my bouts of teaching dreams and first day of school anxieties. Makes me wonder if I will ever get used to it and not be nervous for school. You never realize as a student that your teachers may be just as, if not more nervous than you. In fact, it happens to be why I am awake at 3:30 a.m. this morning. In addition to the usual stress, this year poses a set of new challenges for me. I will be teaching a science class at the alternative high school program and 2 periods of biology for students who struggle significantly with low reading levels. I want to be a good teacher. I want to inspire these kids and be a positive influence. I want to change their lives. But I fear my limitations. I don't know what to expect and sometimes the unknown is debilitating. I hope and pray that I will be the best teacher I can be. And that that will be enough.

Additionally, parenting has posed its challenges and I feel woefully inadequate. I have this brilliant and tricky little 5 year old who is testing my patience in every way, it seems. It is the kind of situation that causes me to jolt awake and think, "How did I mess up again with him? What do I do differently?" When I tossed and turned for an hour in bed tonight, I decided to try sleeping on the couch for a change of scenery. As I made myself comfortable, I felt a little lump under my back and pulled out Collin's Georgie. Georgie is a little Curious George doll that Collin received for Christmas a few years back with a Curious George pancake book. I always thought it was interesting that of all the plush and fancy stuffed animals and dolls he had, this is the one he latched on to. He came up with the name, "Georgie" and he would clutch the doll as he fell asleep and rub his "owie finger" to feel it catch on George's shirt while he sucked his thumb. There was complete devastation the time we accidentally left Georgie in DC on a family trip.

So, I pulled Georgie out from underneath me and I felt a wave of, what? Saddness, regret, disbelief, inadequacy? I know I can't kick myself for all my mistakes as a mother, but I just had a moment of pain as I realized that my little boy is already 5. I only get that 2 and a half more times and he is out on his own. I want to sneak into his room and pull his little body next to me and just take a moment to appreciate him, for all that he is. And I want to know what I need to do to make it better for us. I held Georgie and thought of how quickly little Collin has changed, just a little every day until I don't remember the little version anymore. And oh, how I want to do better for that boy of mine. It is just that I am not sure how. He is certainly a strong willed child with the amazing ability to push my buttons, coupled with an incredible vocabulary and memory. And if I can't manage my child, how can I manage a classroom of at risk high school kids? That is why I can't sleep.

But, let's end on something positive. We have done some good things this summer. And I am very grateful for the time I have had to be home with the kids. Some of our adventures include:

• Swimming lessons- which actually for Avind seems more like a form of torture. He was actually quite delighted the first day, but I feel has digressed since then. You should hear his screams echo off the walls of the indoor pool. I wasn't going to sign him up for a second round, but he begged me for lessons...go figure! Collin is my water lover, which makes me so happy, since I love water too. He swims quite well and loves his swim lessons. We both miss the beach and our VA neighborhood pool. And warm enough weather to swim in. 
• Lunch dates with Daddy- we love to sit in his new office and the kids love to play on the paint/drawing program on his computer and go for a "wittle walk" as Avi says. 
• Soccer- Blake and I played on an Adult Co-ed Soccer team and we brought the kids along on several occasions. I loved to hear them cheering for us. :)
• Hikes- There are the most beautiful hikes here in Bozeman. And there are so many to explore! Collin can usually make it about a mile up and back without too much complaining. Avind gets carried along in the Ergo but often whines to get down so he can then wrap up both of your legs and insist that you carry him, not in the carrier, but in your arms.
• Cookie baking and pancake making- which means a lot of flour all over, and demands for more sugar to eat.
• Stewart's house- Collin said to me last week, "Mom, can we do something fun today?" I answered, "Yeah! Let's do something fun. What do you think? What should we do?" He quickly replied, "Let's go to Hank's house!" :) And I don't blame him. The Stewart's house has about everything you could ever want. Lot's of open space, a trampoline, a pool, swing set, yummy food, and great people. We have spent a significant amount of time there. And we love it.  
• Car washing- I was able to deep clean both cars, inside and out thanks to the use of the Stewart's drive way and supplies. Avind loved to hose down the car, and Collin thoroughly enjoyed the freedom to play with Hank around the yard and in their pool while I was busy.
• Gardening- The Stewart's also have a garden that I have helped with. I love working in the garden and coming home covered in dirt, with nails that are brown for a week strait.
• Play dates- We have spent time with many friends and Collin was especially excited to visit Sam's house the other day. 
• A trip to Utah- We went to the Zoo and Seven Peaks, (which Collin loved-Avind, not so much) and we got to meet Baby Bradley and watch Blake bless her. 
• A visit from Omi and Papa- We got to show them our favorite hiking spots and took a trip to Cody to see where Papa grew up. We got to spend 3 days on a dairy farm and learned so many cool things. I got to milk a cow for the first time ever and we each got to drive a tractor. It was pretty awesome. We also explored Yellowstone together and saw some Bison.
• Collin's 5th birthday- We had a small celebration at home with Omi and Papa on his actual birthday and then had a "Secret Agent" party at the park with his friends. It was a perfect day and we had a fun time training to be secret agents and going on a secret mission. 
• Bike riding- One of my Summer goals was to teach Collin to ride his bike without training wheels. Apparently he was ready because it took him about 20 minutes to figure it out. He didn't quit even once as he fell again and again. He just kept trying. It was one of those things I expected to take time and it happened so fast. And Avind got some cowboy boots this summer and when he wears them his legs are finally long enough that he can peddle on his tricycle. He won't pedal for long, but he is catching on.
• Shopping trips- Costco is always a favorite thanks to samples. Avind will see the next sample stand and yell, "More samples!" I love how his little voice cracks lately. I often have to ask him to say something 3 or 4 times before I can make out what he is actually saying. I will sometimes ask him to show me, and lately after I ask him what he said the second time he says, "show you, Mom." :)  
• Movie dates- We got to go to the theater for a $1 kids show on Collin's birthday, which was super fun. Hank and Collin laughed together and Avind cuddled on my lap the whole time. We have also rented several movies for Family Movie Nights at home.
• Reading- Collin and I are slowly moving through reading lessons for him, but my favorite has been reading the "Little House on the Prairie" series with Collin. We both love them, and they teach great life lessons. 
• Chores- The kids have set chores this summer and though Collin is not pleased, sometimes he does get in the mood and tells me, "hey, this is actually fun!"
• BBQ's- We have had our fair share of hotdogs and hamburgers. We even got our own little portable grill. And we have had plenty of watermelon, which Avind loves.
•  Lego building- Collin got a lego model for his Birthday so we put a lego treehouse together. It is pretty awesome. 

I look at that list and go, "See self, awake at 4 am. You are doing a good job. You are a good mom." :) I have a feeling I will be a tired mom today. One last thing I have to capture about Avind. He loves to say, "Mommy, I hun-ga-ry. Really, really, really hun-ga-ry!" It cracks me up every time. And when he says, "Watah Bottle" he sounds like a little German boy. :)

Well, perhaps I will see if I can get an hour or two of sleep in now. I do feel better. I am a lucky Momma.