Behold Your Little Ones

I have felt the pain of feeling less than adept in my parenting lately.  I recognize that we have a significant amount of pressures and stresses that have intensified frustrations and irritations.  But Collin and I specifically have been struggling.

I read a lesson in the Manual from Joseph Fielding Smith the other night.  It is titled, "Bringing Children up in Truth and Light."  I read, and I cried.  And I felt the weight of all I was doing wrong lately.  And how little of the gospel I have taught.

I have felt often like I am completely out of sync with my ability to reason with Collin and help him calm down.  He has been disrespectful and belligerent to several adults.  And it embarrasses me.  I can't help but feel like it is a direct reflection of my ability to be a good mom.  I try not to let that be how I feel.  But I feel that others must be judging me.  And it is hard.  It is hard to try to understand how upside down Collin's world has become.  We have been essentially out of routine and living out of suit cases for 3 months.  And he misses his friends.

I realized today that though I really am trying to do well, there are some things I really need to do better.  I am always rushing Collin,  "Hurry!  We need to go!  Quick!  Get buckled!  Stop playing around and get done!  Go faster! Hurry hurry hurry! Put that down and let's go!"  Why? Why am I rushing us about?  I want to slow down.  I want to stop rushing his world and let him love it.  And I want to love it with him.  I mean in reality, isn't the reason we have to rush is because I slept too long, or spent too much time getting ready?  So often I am the root of the problem and yet he gets the brunt of it. 

Granted, I can also recognize that I am doing some of this right, too. I have a significant amount of stress to deal with, but I have stayed pretty calm for most of my Collin dealings.  And I have tried my best to show tenderness.  And to give big hugs and cuddles.

We had some rough spots today.  He had a melt down at the post office when he saw a Jack Sparrow birthday card that he insisted I buy for him.  He HAD to have it.  I was firm in my answer of "no." And I still feel that is the right answer.  He has this feeling that just because he wants something means he should get it.  I am a firm believer in kids hearing "no." But he was just so sad.  And he threw a big fit to prove it. In front of a rather large audience. And we had some conflict later as well.  But, I did one part right today.  After his teeth were brushed, I held out my arms to him.  He gave me a giant hug and told me, "Mom, you are so special to me!" and I dipped him down and started singing my song for him, Golden Slumbers.  And he sang with me with his little angel voice. We sang together and it was so lovely! And then I cuddled next to him for a silly story and stayed next to him while he feel asleep with my hand on his chest.  I could feel his heart beat and his lungs work and I marveled at my beautiful son. And I promised myself that I would try harder to be a better mom. And that I would do my best to slow down. 

It was rather appropriate then that I read in 3 Nephi 17 about when Jesus Christ gathers the Nephite children all around and blesses them and prays with them.  The spirit whispered to my heart, "See?  This is the reason you are here.  And those two boys of yours are your purpose!  Don't rush it!  Don't miss it.  Love them and be your best mom self." Christ gathers them all and then declares, "Behold your little ones!" Yes Liesel. Behold them.  Cherish them. The angels come down from the Heavens and encircle them.  And I can imagine the angels around my sweet boys.  I will do better.  I will do all I can to "behold" them.