Stuck

Warning: *This post contains an unusual amount of complaining.*

I am thoroughly frustrated. In the last year Blake or I or both have:

1. Answered phone calls
2. Cleaned a vacation home
3. Sold items from our home
4. Painted fingernails
5. Cleaned a Montessori School/4 times a year
6. Organized a youth Saturday soccer group
7. Worked full time, including 8 days of my summer vacation that was unpaid
8. Traveled around the entire state
9. Written two books
10. Created our own marriage blog
11. Created a consulting website

All these in an attempt to scrap together money enough. We have budgeted diligently and have finally saved enough to buy a house.

I am very grateful and very excited for said house.

But this is where the frustration begins:

You see, I am getting the baby bug. I would really love to think about baby 3. But how would we even afford that? All my sick days are used up...since I have kids that get sick. The 12 weeks is unpaid if you take them. Then there is day care costs: Two kids in daycare will cost $1500/month.
Then, the medical costs to have the baby: 25% of the hospital stay. Don't forget the diapers. That is a hole.

So, stay home you say...well, actually Blake's income is not enough so that can't work. And I want to keep working. I am a better mom. Maybe that is something I shouldn't admit, but me working is good for our family. I do wish I could do it part time...but then there is that darned money issue.

Additionally, I would really love to get a master's degree...it makes a huge difference in my pay scale over time...but that is $10,000. Not sure where that would come from. Needs to be done in the next 5 years because I need to have 6 credits in the next year to renew my license. Then the clock starts ticking.

Goodness, we are working so hard. I am not sure what else to do. Not sure where else to earn the money.

First world problems, I know. But they are still problems. And they still make me cry...because I shouldn't have to pour over the budget before thinking of whether a baby would cause us to be in the red.

Why is there no paid maternity in this country yet? Why do I have to base my decision to have a baby on whether we could live during the time I would be out? Why must I rush back into work if we do have a baby before I have had time to actually get any sleep? Why do we do this? What is wrong with our society that we don't support mothers who work? And fathers for that matter? You think maybe that might be important? Time with a new baby?

Why, with a 3.91 College GPA should I need to pay for my Master's Degree? I have worked hard. I should be eligible for some scholarship? Or a discount? A teacher who is committing so much of my energy to these kids?

Stuck. I feel stuck. Stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck. Stuck as a duck in the muck. That's a good kiddo book by the way. You should read it sometime. :)

Stay in this Little World

I have had so many wonderfully beautiful treasure moments in the last few months. I have been particularly reflective this week as we celebrated Avind's 3rd Birthday.

The night before his birthday I was holding him and as we cuddled I got sentimental and said to him, "Oh, my Avi! You are growing up so big! I will be so sad when you are all grown up and have to leave me."

So, this morning, 3 days later, I was carrying him as we got to school. He kind of whimpered for a moment so I asked him what was wrong. He squeezed tight into my arms and told me, "I don't want to grow up and leave you! I want to stay in this little world forever!" Melt my heart. Oh Avi! How I want you to stay in this little world forever, too!

A few favorites about Avi Bug:

• One of my all time Avi favorites is that he refers to day time as "Happy Time." He will get up in the morning and see that the sun is up and say, "Oh, yay! It is happy time!" Or when you try to get him down for a nap, "But I don't want to go to sleep! It is happy time!"
• He was beyond excited for his combined birthday party with his best buddy from school Toby. As each of his little friends showed up to the park he would bursting with joy and do almost a little happy dance. Each of them could hardly contain their excitement. And then it was so cute in a sad way to watch him experience, "post-party depression." "But I don't want my party to be over!"
• He is cruising on his balance bike! I am so pleased to see him get it. We went on a family walk on Tuesday and both boys rode their bikes the whole time. Blake got him some lightning McQueen knee and elbow pads and racing gloves. He was adorable racing around with them on riding his bike. 
• Avind's cake choice this year was a Woody cake...up until I was working on it when he decided he actually wanted a lightning cake. Too bad kiddo! Woody it was. He thought it was pretty cool, although he was a bit miffed that I did a headless Woody. I do what I can, ya know?
• He still clings to me every day that I drop him off at his school. He likes to grab my scarf in a death grip to force me to stay. I don't like leaving him, but I know he loves school. He has a great little troop of boys in his class that all get along well.

Now how about that big brother:

• Collin loves school. He just loves it. Makes me happy because I love school, too. When I step into his kindergarten class it just makes me feel deeply happy. I had a conference with his teacher, Mrs. Stuckman today and she was very complimentary. He is confident and excited about learning. I hope we can keep it that way! I know there is some criticism out there about public schools, and I am sure it depends a lot on where you live, but I am so pleased with Collin's experience this year. He is reading so well and he loves math, and he takes ownership in his artwork. He says PE is his favorite. The other day when I asked him what he learned he told me all about oviparous and viviparous animals and which were which. I teach biology and I didn't even remember all that. I also see how good it is for him to deal with some disappointments and challenges that come with school. He is learning how to get over them and move forward. He is also playing a lot of soccer! And often with bigger kids. It is good to have the challenge. I always tell him that I loved school so much that I never left. And that is why I am a teacher. He thought about that for a minute and said, "Well then maybe I will be a teacher, too." :)
• Collin's Lego skill has made it to a whole new level. He loves all things Star Wars, especially Lego star wars. He builds transporters, and tie fighters and x wings and pods and all sorts of things. And there are constant light saber battles in our home (Avind loves Darth Vador and runs around in his mask and cape saying, "No, I am your father!"
• Collin loves reading. We are still reading our Little House Books together. We also read several Star Wars books from his school library. He likes to find the words on the page that he recognizes. 
• We got Collin some new cowboy boots a few weeks back and he is just delighted. That is the first time we went out and bought him new, real boots. He runs out each morning to see if it is wet and muddy to determine if he should wear his new pair or his old boots. He loves to wear his red button up shirt, his cowboy hat (Thanks Papa!) and his boots. He and Hank have cowboy day at least once a week where they both show up at school in their full get up. 
• Collin is a good boy and a great brother. He is sensitive to our feelings. A couple months back I had an awful day at school and I just couldn't stop crying. When we got home I sat down and started crying again and Collin came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Do you need something Mom? What can I get for you?" He gave me a hug and said, "Do you need something to eat?" I laughed and said, "Yes. Cookies!" He laughed and said, "Well, we can probably figure that out." :) It is a beautiful thing to hear your child repeat the good things that you say to them. He often gives up something of his to Avi when he notices that it makes Avi sad not to have it. The most amazing thing is now starting to see Avind do the same thing. 
• Collin saved up his money and bought a rock mining kit the other day and was just giddy to have daddy help him chip away to find his gem stones. He was just fascinated with it. What a fun thing to buy. 
• One night I cuddled with my boys and told them funny stories of when they were babies. Oh, how we laughed together!

 So, there are the hard things going on, too. It is not all roses. But we are pretty great at remembering the good. And our life is very blessed and good.

We miss having Blake at home all the time. He travels across the State regularly for his job and we feel his absence. But when he is home, he is home. He contributes in so many ways so I don't feel like I am doing the house and parent thing all by myself. And he always always catches up on the dishes for me. Besides, he loves what he is doing. And he is good at it. He has his own personal consulting website up and going now, too. You can check it out at montanastrategicconsulting.com

We also bought a house! And our hobby is spending hours every Saturday checking out the progress and walking around our soon to be neighborhood. I just can hardly wait to be in our own home. I love love love seeing the boys dig in the dirt, light saber cut the tall prairie grasses, make mud ball, and their favorite, find rock crystals for their collections. It is so beautiful out there! We saw at least 4 dozen pheasants just down the road the other day and have seen several bald eagles. And the mountains are incredible.

Last thing for the day, I have been rehired for next year. Yay! We can live!  And I wish we could stay in this little world forever.

Being a mom is...

Being a mom is giving up your spending money you earned with the intent to get your hair highlighted and instead deciding to spend it on a hotel stay with an indoor water park. I am pretty excited to have some fun family time. But I will miss my hair...

I guess I need to spend some extra time out in the sun! Too bad it is snowing...

I am enough

It was a difficult day for me today. I felt the weight of feeling like I was being a teacher halfway and being a parent halfway. I ache for the ability to work part time so that I feel little bit more in control of my time together with my children. I feel like I do my best to try and plan for teaching but that never is time to plan. I really feel like I'm winging it so often and sometimes the worst thing is that I feel like it's unfair to my students. I feel like they could get a better experience with a more capable teacher. I guess it's not being capable that's the problem it's just that I feel like I don't have the time to really do my best.

I walked the kids down to pick up the car half a mile away after work only to discover I had no keys. It was a beautiful day to be out walking but it was tiring to add that much time to getting home.

I treated the boys to eating at McDonald's and it was truly delightful. I can still see Avon in my mind eating his french fries one at a time and after every single fri the exclaiming joyfully "mmmmmmmm!"

They were so beautiful sitting there. Makes me afraid to miss so many moments with them. And yet I can recognize that those moments are precious because I don't have them all the time. I remember being home and not being able to enjoy those times because of the exhaustion of mothering for 24 seven. 

   I walked my boys home and we made a cookie dough shake together at the bar in our little Bozeman "cabin" here and i did cherish that moment. It was beautiful.

I did another good mom thing. I sat down on the middle of the floor with them and played hungry hippos. it only took five or 10 minutes and I laughed with them and played with them. Felt good then. But the challenging thing with being a mom is the kids don't stop when you need them to. And getting them to bed was exhausting and infuriating. I don't think they finally fell sleep until about 930. 

And then I came upstairs and just cried. I don't know how to do more. I don't know how to accept less. I crave staying home part time but I also dream of having our own home. I don't know how to make both work. I don't know what the answer is. Blake and I talk about him trying to do consulting as a side business to increase our income but it's hard to have him gone from home so often. 

I called Blake up and cried to him and he was good and listened to me and loved me. I then started reading the book daring greatly by Brene Brown. It was exactly what I need to read. And her big message was for each of us to end the day with the saying "I am enough." So I guess as I get ready to sleep tonight I need to tell me that myself that. I am enough. And I am doing all that I can. And it has to be enough. I also had some good insights to what I've been teaching about in Nephi during Sunday school about opposition in all things. As we are vulnerable, we feel. And we don't get to choose what we feel. If we want to feel joy we have to feel pain. I also had a great insight that religion is not certainty. It is uncertainty. That's why we need faith. It help me to realize that I can continue to have faith despite not knowing. And it is enough.

Tues. Jan 25

Today Blake left for his trip and northern Montana. I had a dream last night where we were captured by some people and they were going to take Avind away from me. I was so shattered and heartbroken. I did not want to live my life without my little boy. When he woke up this morning I held him tight for a few minutes grateful for his beautiful smile and warm hug.

I really love my little boys. We had ice skating lessons for Collin this evening. He runs on the ice rather than skates. I brought a bucket for Avind to push while getting used walking on the ice. He decided to sit in the bucket so I pushed him around creating a track on the ice. There were several little boys about nine or 10 years old who thought my truck was pretty awesome. They followed me as I skated and pushed Avi. They loved it. It was like we had a little train.

I got to see Blake on face time this evening. We had such a great week together last week. Now I miss him terribly. The bed is so lonely without him next me. I hope we never have to be apart for long times.I hope we grow nice and old together sleeping next to each other.

It was my moms birthday today. I am glad I will get to see her this weekend make her feel special. 

I am torn between planning a vacation for a family and one for Blake and I for anniversary and saving for a house likely have been. I want to be in our own house I desperately. It feels like we are still so far away.

Well it is time to sleep morning will come to early. 

My Collin

What a busy time! School is in full swing and we are eating lots of chicken nuggets and pizza around here once again. It is so interesting though this year to feel like I want to be a teacher rather than thinking I have to be a teacher. I feel good at teaching (most days) and it is very fulfilling to do something you feel good at. I have learned to let go of the guilt, too. Though I am not with the kids all day, when we are together it is very valued. We had an awesome Labor Day weekend with each other.

So, with some time apart Collin and I have been able to come together. Interesting, yes? Granted, he still drives me crazy with his overreactions and inappropriate displays of unhappiness, but we have some seriously sweet treasure moments together.

Collin had his first day of kindergarten on Thurs. I found a teacher to fill in for me during first hour so I could be a part of the momentous occasion. Well, we ended up running late (surprised?) and were hustling just to get him there on time. And as we ran dragging the kids along I realized I had forgotten my phone aka my camera. Mom of the Year Award! Luckily Amanda was there to pick up my slack and shot some great pictures. I was certain I would have nothing to cry about, but there I was, tears dribbling down my face. Collin had no fear. He lined right up and went into class without a problem. I was very pleased.

Fast forward to the end of the day, we have arranged for Collin to ride the bus from Irving to the High School so he can ride home with me and Avi when I finish up. So, I was a bit nervous. I knew he would make it fine, and I really didn't think much about it until I went out to wait for his bus. I felt nervous knowing that he was on that bus without knowing a single person. And he was trusting that I would be there when it stopped. I went out a good 10 minutes early for good measure. And I paced back and forth. And then I saw bus 15 coming. And a little blond head with glasses sitting so seriously in the seat behind the bus driver. And my heart leaped! I was right at the door when the bus stopped. All the big kids got up to get out and after a few, the bus driver held them up to help Collin out. Oh, that moment when he saw me! His face lit up and he reached out, jumping into my arms and squeezed me tight and held me for several minutes. "Momma! You were here for me!" Heart melting. "Please be here every time I get off the bus!" I just clung to him and relished that feeling. He needed me. And I needed him. And I knew that it is all worth it, this parenting thing. I would do anything for that boy of mine.

We had another tender moment this evening together. Blake had traveled to Helena and was coming home late, so I was getting the kids into bed after a busy day. After PJ's were on, I sat with Collin to read some more of "On the Shores of Silver Lake" the 5th book in the Laura Ingall's Little House series. We have read through the first 4 books together over the last 9 months and I love it. There are so many great life lessons to learn from these books! Today as we read, I glanced ahead and realized that Laura's faithful Bulldog Jack dies. I got emotional, because I always do with things like that and Collin realized it. "Is he going to die?' he asked. I kept on reading and when we got to the part, he scrunched up his face and cried like he had just lost his own dog.  I held him as we sat there together crying about Jack. And I felt so grateful that reading has become such a powerful tool for my Collin. It has created an entire world for him, real enough that he can feel the sorrow in it. What an amazing gift to have. The love of reading. :) He was able to calm down and beg for me to keep reading. He knows I love it as much as he does and can usually persuade me to go a few more pages than promised.

One last tender moment: I put on my watch this morning and realized the battery was dead. I placed it on the counter and told the kids, "Oh no! My watch battery is dead. I won't need to wear it now." Collin promptly jumped down off the stool, ran to his room, and came back with his Star Wars Storm Trooper watch. "Here mom. You can use my watch." :) and I did, all day long. And every time I looked at it, I thought, "I am one lucky Momma!"

Late Night Musings

Oh, August, how have you snuck up on me?

I have a goal someday to love the month of August...but I am not there yet. It means summer is coming to a close, yet it feels like it just began. It is akin to the feeling you get on Sunday evening. The weekend is over and now it is back to reality.

And with my teaching job just around the corner, it brings my bouts of teaching dreams and first day of school anxieties. Makes me wonder if I will ever get used to it and not be nervous for school. You never realize as a student that your teachers may be just as, if not more nervous than you. In fact, it happens to be why I am awake at 3:30 a.m. this morning. In addition to the usual stress, this year poses a set of new challenges for me. I will be teaching a science class at the alternative high school program and 2 periods of biology for students who struggle significantly with low reading levels. I want to be a good teacher. I want to inspire these kids and be a positive influence. I want to change their lives. But I fear my limitations. I don't know what to expect and sometimes the unknown is debilitating. I hope and pray that I will be the best teacher I can be. And that that will be enough.

Additionally, parenting has posed its challenges and I feel woefully inadequate. I have this brilliant and tricky little 5 year old who is testing my patience in every way, it seems. It is the kind of situation that causes me to jolt awake and think, "How did I mess up again with him? What do I do differently?" When I tossed and turned for an hour in bed tonight, I decided to try sleeping on the couch for a change of scenery. As I made myself comfortable, I felt a little lump under my back and pulled out Collin's Georgie. Georgie is a little Curious George doll that Collin received for Christmas a few years back with a Curious George pancake book. I always thought it was interesting that of all the plush and fancy stuffed animals and dolls he had, this is the one he latched on to. He came up with the name, "Georgie" and he would clutch the doll as he fell asleep and rub his "owie finger" to feel it catch on George's shirt while he sucked his thumb. There was complete devastation the time we accidentally left Georgie in DC on a family trip.

So, I pulled Georgie out from underneath me and I felt a wave of, what? Saddness, regret, disbelief, inadequacy? I know I can't kick myself for all my mistakes as a mother, but I just had a moment of pain as I realized that my little boy is already 5. I only get that 2 and a half more times and he is out on his own. I want to sneak into his room and pull his little body next to me and just take a moment to appreciate him, for all that he is. And I want to know what I need to do to make it better for us. I held Georgie and thought of how quickly little Collin has changed, just a little every day until I don't remember the little version anymore. And oh, how I want to do better for that boy of mine. It is just that I am not sure how. He is certainly a strong willed child with the amazing ability to push my buttons, coupled with an incredible vocabulary and memory. And if I can't manage my child, how can I manage a classroom of at risk high school kids? That is why I can't sleep.

But, let's end on something positive. We have done some good things this summer. And I am very grateful for the time I have had to be home with the kids. Some of our adventures include:

• Swimming lessons- which actually for Avind seems more like a form of torture. He was actually quite delighted the first day, but I feel has digressed since then. You should hear his screams echo off the walls of the indoor pool. I wasn't going to sign him up for a second round, but he begged me for lessons...go figure! Collin is my water lover, which makes me so happy, since I love water too. He swims quite well and loves his swim lessons. We both miss the beach and our VA neighborhood pool. And warm enough weather to swim in. 
• Lunch dates with Daddy- we love to sit in his new office and the kids love to play on the paint/drawing program on his computer and go for a "wittle walk" as Avi says. 
• Soccer- Blake and I played on an Adult Co-ed Soccer team and we brought the kids along on several occasions. I loved to hear them cheering for us. :)
• Hikes- There are the most beautiful hikes here in Bozeman. And there are so many to explore! Collin can usually make it about a mile up and back without too much complaining. Avind gets carried along in the Ergo but often whines to get down so he can then wrap up both of your legs and insist that you carry him, not in the carrier, but in your arms.
• Cookie baking and pancake making- which means a lot of flour all over, and demands for more sugar to eat.
• Stewart's house- Collin said to me last week, "Mom, can we do something fun today?" I answered, "Yeah! Let's do something fun. What do you think? What should we do?" He quickly replied, "Let's go to Hank's house!" :) And I don't blame him. The Stewart's house has about everything you could ever want. Lot's of open space, a trampoline, a pool, swing set, yummy food, and great people. We have spent a significant amount of time there. And we love it.  
• Car washing- I was able to deep clean both cars, inside and out thanks to the use of the Stewart's drive way and supplies. Avind loved to hose down the car, and Collin thoroughly enjoyed the freedom to play with Hank around the yard and in their pool while I was busy.
• Gardening- The Stewart's also have a garden that I have helped with. I love working in the garden and coming home covered in dirt, with nails that are brown for a week strait.
• Play dates- We have spent time with many friends and Collin was especially excited to visit Sam's house the other day. 
• A trip to Utah- We went to the Zoo and Seven Peaks, (which Collin loved-Avind, not so much) and we got to meet Baby Bradley and watch Blake bless her. 
• A visit from Omi and Papa- We got to show them our favorite hiking spots and took a trip to Cody to see where Papa grew up. We got to spend 3 days on a dairy farm and learned so many cool things. I got to milk a cow for the first time ever and we each got to drive a tractor. It was pretty awesome. We also explored Yellowstone together and saw some Bison.
• Collin's 5th birthday- We had a small celebration at home with Omi and Papa on his actual birthday and then had a "Secret Agent" party at the park with his friends. It was a perfect day and we had a fun time training to be secret agents and going on a secret mission. 
• Bike riding- One of my Summer goals was to teach Collin to ride his bike without training wheels. Apparently he was ready because it took him about 20 minutes to figure it out. He didn't quit even once as he fell again and again. He just kept trying. It was one of those things I expected to take time and it happened so fast. And Avind got some cowboy boots this summer and when he wears them his legs are finally long enough that he can peddle on his tricycle. He won't pedal for long, but he is catching on.
• Shopping trips- Costco is always a favorite thanks to samples. Avind will see the next sample stand and yell, "More samples!" I love how his little voice cracks lately. I often have to ask him to say something 3 or 4 times before I can make out what he is actually saying. I will sometimes ask him to show me, and lately after I ask him what he said the second time he says, "show you, Mom." :)  
• Movie dates- We got to go to the theater for a $1 kids show on Collin's birthday, which was super fun. Hank and Collin laughed together and Avind cuddled on my lap the whole time. We have also rented several movies for Family Movie Nights at home.
• Reading- Collin and I are slowly moving through reading lessons for him, but my favorite has been reading the "Little House on the Prairie" series with Collin. We both love them, and they teach great life lessons. 
• Chores- The kids have set chores this summer and though Collin is not pleased, sometimes he does get in the mood and tells me, "hey, this is actually fun!"
• BBQ's- We have had our fair share of hotdogs and hamburgers. We even got our own little portable grill. And we have had plenty of watermelon, which Avind loves.
•  Lego building- Collin got a lego model for his Birthday so we put a lego treehouse together. It is pretty awesome. 

I look at that list and go, "See self, awake at 4 am. You are doing a good job. You are a good mom." :) I have a feeling I will be a tired mom today. One last thing I have to capture about Avind. He loves to say, "Mommy, I hun-ga-ry. Really, really, really hun-ga-ry!" It cracks me up every time. And when he says, "Watah Bottle" he sounds like a little German boy. :)

Well, perhaps I will see if I can get an hour or two of sleep in now. I do feel better. I am a lucky Momma.